e-LauGhs A free place for funny jokes, anecdotes, humor and laughs

The professor's exam

2011-09-18T13:55:00.000-07:00

A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.

- "I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes seductively into his eyes.

- "I mean," she whispers, "I would do *anything*."

He returns her gaze.

- "Anything?"

- "ANYTHING"

His voice softens. "Anything??"

She smiles mischievously, "Anything."

His voice turns to a whisper, "Would you . . . study?"

Alzheimer & Colour Test

2011-09-18T13:46:00.000-07:00

Sit comfortably and be calm. This is a serious test, not a joke..
Put your thinking process aside - i.e. put your brain in neutral gear.

1- Find the C below. Do not use any cursor help.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO COOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.

9999999999999999999 9999999999999999 99999999999999
9999999999999999999 9999999999999999 99999999999999
9999999999999999999 9999999999999999 99999999999999
6999999999999999999 9999999999999999 99999999999999
9999999999999999999 9999999999999999 99999999999999
9999999999999999999 9999999999999999 99999999999999

3- Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMNMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a closerelationship with Alzheimer.

Congratulations!

Oh. One more test....
Find the 44th USA President.

Well, congratulations, you're not color blind either!

The Silent Treatment...

2011-01-23T10:36:00.000-08:00

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper:
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM '

He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Conclusion: Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. :)

Pregnancy looks weird through the eyes of a kid

2011-01-07T11:53:00.000-08:00

There's this 3 years old kid who's waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

The boy stares the belly of a pregnant lady who sits in the opposite chair waiting for her turn to see the doctor.

Suddently the boy stands up, walks towards the pregnant lady and asks:
- "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied,
- "I'm having a baby."

With big eyes, the kid asked,
- "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She answered, "It sure is."

With surprised and shocked look, the kid said with a trembling voice:

"Then why did you eat it?"

Michelin's Revolutionary Airless Tires

2010-04-28T12:09:00.000-07:00

Michelin's introducing the next generation of tires that dont need to have an air tube.

Michelin Tweel is the upcoming king of tires:

Had the following students bought these tires for their vehicles, they wouldnt have gotten an F on their exams:

Down in Jackson, Mississippi, three boys arrived in school late.

It was as late as 10:00 a.m. They had been fishing.

For their excuse they stated that they were delayed because of a flat tire. The teacher decided to give them a test immediately, so she had them seated apart from one another.

She said, "This test will have only one question, and I will give you thirty seconds to put down your answer."

The question was, "Which tire?"

Do birds think?

2010-04-28T11:38:00.000-07:00

I dont know if it's their instict that drives them or a certain flavor or even a hormone but if you ask me, i think they give the impression that they think.

Take a look at that dancing cockatoo:

take a look at that budgie:

a domesticated canary:

And if none of the above persuaded you, maybe this sparrow will convince you that birds have some sort of intelligence that could make them think.

And finally:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It got so cold it froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As it lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the little bird singing, and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out-and then ate him.

The morals of the story are:

1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.

2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

3. When you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

[joke found @ http://www.withfriendship.com/jokes/birds/bird-shit.php]

Ferrari VS Jet

2010-04-28T11:11:00.000-07:00

It sounds funny if you think that a car could be faster than a eurofighter jet. Well at least at the first 400 meters.

Mikael Schumacher with a Ferrari formula 1, was leading the race running at the speed of 190mph but when the 40000 pounds of thrust decided to take action.

The Jet finished the race 2 tenths quicker than the Ferrari which took 13.2 secs to cover the distance of 900 meters.

	Weight	Length (meters)	Engine
Ferrari Formula 1	600 kilos	4.5	3 ltrs V12 by Ferrari
Eurofighter Jet	11 Tons	6	2 turbofan engines by Rolls Royce

Although i believe if the escargot from the following joke, was driving that F1, results would be different right now...

There was this snail who wanted to be a F1 racing driver.
He went along to the track and asked the team manager if he could drive.

The racing team manager said, 'Yes, but you can't have a number on your car, you can only have an 'S' because you are a snail.'

The Snail was OK about this is so he entered the race.

The race started and the snail's car was at the back...but suddenly he sped to the front, over-taking all the cars and won!!

As the spectators saw the Snail speed past them, they yelled
'WOW! LOOK AT THAT S-CAR GO!!'

Murphy's law or Real life everyday conclusions?

2010-04-27T10:31:00.000-07:00

-=- Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

-=- To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

-=- The road to success... is always under construction.

-=- Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

-=- In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

-=- Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.

-=- Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.

-=- If at first you don't succeed... destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

-=- You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down,
it will always land on the buttered side.

-=- Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible
corner.

-=- As soon as you mention something... if it is good, it is taken. If it is
bad, it happens.

-=- He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.

-=- If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late... the bus is still
late.

-=- Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold
somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

-=- When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front
of you will always have the most complex of transactions.

-=- If you have paper, you don't have a pen... If you have a pen, you don't have
paper... if you have both, no one calls.

-=- The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.

-=- After a long wait for bus No.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in
together and the bus which you get in, will be more crowded than the other.

-=- If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.

-=- Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will
always tend to go to the non-smoker

X-Men movie actors owned!

2010-04-27T10:26:00.000-07:00

Matrix Movie 4 - Reentered

2010-04-22T10:25:00.000-07:00

Superhero movie - official trailer - Dragonfly

2010-04-17T10:23:00.000-07:00

Sea drowning instructions

2010-04-07T21:58:00.000-07:00

Well.. if you see someone drowning.. dont' lol as this sign says but call 911 immediately!!

via http://imgur.com/9C6Nx.jpg

U SMILE

2010-03-16T15:14:00.000-07:00

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."

A smart student in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

Image courtesy of autoexpress.co.uk

Pi celebration day 3-14

2010-03-14T10:20:00.000-07:00

π (also written pi) is a mathematical constant whose value is the ratio of any circle's circumference to its diameter in Euclidean space; this is the same value as the ratio of a circle's area to the square of its radius. (src: wikipedia)

Celebration day is set as March 14 (3-14 in rememberance of 3.14 )

One of the jokes that people use to tell about Pi:

Q: What does a mathematician with eye cataract have?
A: A pee eye (Pi)

Cakes are round, but Pi are square.

The politician and the top model

2010-03-10T14:02:00.000-08:00

An important politician was seen moving around with a beautiful woman - a famous top model - for a couple of months, with whom he finally decided to plunge into matrimony.

He didnt want to expose himself to public and gossip papers so he assigned his trustworthy bodyguard with a top secret mission:
To hire on his behalf, a private detective, so that he can gather info regarding the top model's past, if she had any previous affairs with any men and for how long.

After a few days, the security officer came to the politician's office with the detective's report, which had the results of the investigation:

"Sir,
this lady has a spotless reputation.

Her past is clear, her family and friends all come from a very respectable background.

No one has anything against her.

But i would also like to inform you that according to my sources, for the last couple of months she's been frequently seen flirting with a politician who's reputation is known to be dubious!"

Missile balloon car prank

2010-03-09T14:23:00.000-08:00

Could you imagine that a couple of balloons could cause havoc?

Happy Women's day

2010-03-08T09:35:00.000-08:00

Happy Women's day girls :)

Trying to discover the funny part of it, here are some funny quotes for you blonde ladies:

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says
- "'Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says"
-"'Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says:
"'You dummy, it's me!"

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says:
"Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says:
"OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"
The blonde replies:
"Oh, that's easy: W."

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned:
"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."

Definitions of designations in an IT department

2010-03-08T09:08:00.000-08:00

Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in one month
Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.
Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.
Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.
Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the process to produce a baby
Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the right baby.
Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
Cracker is the person who cracks the process and manages to produce a baby from just the DNA of the man
Hacker is the person who reverse engineers the process of making babies and then posts it freely in the network for the people to know.

Lost - the supermarket edition

2010-03-07T14:05:00.000-08:00

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked:
- "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
- "Why?" said the beautiful woman
to which the man replied:
- "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

Loch Ness monster attacks with humor

2010-03-06T16:31:00.000-08:00

- What did the Loch Ness Monster say to his friend?
- Long time no sea.

- What do you get if you mix a fashion designer with a sea monster?
- The Loch Dress Monster.

- Which is the unluckiest monster in the world?
- The Luck Less Monster

- What do you get if you mix the Loch Ness Monster with a shark?
- Loch Jaws

Newly developed cloaking device - experiment gone wrong

2010-03-04T10:04:00.000-08:00

An experiment took place two days ago in Nevada desert.
Scientists tested a new cloaking device and although the test was successfull, something went wrong.

The tests were performed on an ex-football player who's name wasn't announced. Investigation showed that the ex-player left the labs with the cloaking device and grabbed the chance to score in a football match, while the machine operated.

The goal was caught on video:

Antonio Lucio Vivaldi - Violin funny quotes

2010-03-04T09:23:00.000-08:00

Antonio Lucio Vivaldi (March 4, 1678 – July 28, 1741)
In memory of this great composer we dedicate the following Violin funny quotes:

- How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
- None. They can't get up that high!

- What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
- There is no actual difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.

- What's the main differences between a fiddle and a violin?
a. No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle
b. A fiddle is fun to listen to.

The judge to the defendant:
- "You look familiar...haven't I seen your face before?"
The defendand:
- "Yes you have, your Honor; i gave your son violin lessons a year ago!"
..and the judge
- "Ah, Yes!...... 10 years!!!"

A couple on their second honeymoon

2010-02-27T02:21:00.000-08:00

A couple, married forty years, were revisiting the same places they went to, on their honeymoon.
Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.

The woman said,
"Sweetheart, let''s do the same thing we did here on our honeymoon, forty years ago."

The husband stopped the car.
His wife backed against the fence and they made love like never before.

Back in the car, the husband says,
"Darling, you sure never moved like that, forty years ago - or any time since that I can remember!"

The woman says, "Love, forty years ago that fence wasn''t ElectriFied!!"

Amazing baseball pitch never seen before

2010-02-24T14:37:00.000-08:00

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson on a camping trip

2010-02-20T15:30:00.000-08:00

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
- "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied,
- "I see millions and millions of stars."
- "What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
- "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?".
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke...
"Watson, you idiot!!. Someone has stolen our tent!"

Just for laughs Top 8 funniest pranks caught on video

2009-10-12T21:23:00.000-07:00

Explosive Dog

Blind man has to go

The lost snake

Skunk in park

Gorilla in the cage

Head in the toilet

Hi i am Dead

Hi am Death

Roberts Toot tone

2009-09-19T17:00:00.000-07:00

Do you have gas issues? This revolutionary device will help you overcome embarrasing moments. Check it out :)

Anecdote: My blonde little sister

2008-11-17T23:52:00.001-08:00

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast.
Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.
She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the
stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,and inserted it into the turkey, and
re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and
proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she
reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep.................SHE'S BLONDE!

The college teacher and the final exams

2008-11-12T00:02:00.001-08:00

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam:
- "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness,
or a death in your immediate family but that's it! NO other excuses
whatsoever!"
A smarty student in the back of the room, raised his hand and asks:
- "What would you say if tomorrow i said i was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does their best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,
shakes her head, and sweetly says:
- "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

The rude parrot

2008-11-03T00:07:00.001-08:00

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to do to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly, there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched hand and said 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

'May I ask, please, what the turkey did?'

Anecdote: The persistant beggar

2008-10-17T01:37:00.001-07:00

Once a man was waiting for a taxi.
A beggar came along and asked him for some money.
The man ignored him.
But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him.
The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.
Suddenly an idea struck him.
He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you."
"I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.
The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea".
He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.
The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."
The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".
The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".
The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course.Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".
As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."
Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him.
Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man.
But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you?".
The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits looks like."

Treasury Department has issued a new dollar bill

2008-10-15T07:55:00.001-07:00

Kinetsu Hayabusa - a real Ninja

2008-04-07T13:42:00.000-07:00

Kinetsu Hayabusa is the famous Ninja martial artist of the known clan of the FUN-NEE clan. Watch the following videos to understand what makes a ninja stealth from eyes.

Ninjutsu sometimes used interchangeably with the term ninpō, is the martial arts practiced by the shinobi (also commonly known (outside of Japan) as the ninja).
The main character nin is composed of two lesser characters, the upper meaning “blade”, the lower meaning “heart” or “spirit”. Together they mean “stealth” and “secretness,” as well as “endurance” and “perseverance”. Jutsu means “true”, “technique”. Pō meaning “knowledge”, “principle” when found with the prefix “nin” carries the meaning of ninja arts, higher order of ninjutsu. Although the popular view is that ninjutsu is the art of secrecy or stealth, actual practitioners consider it to mean the art of enduring - enduring all of life's hardships.
(Source: Wikipedia)

Escape from the house - adventure flash game

2008-03-13T01:56:00.000-07:00

I was sent this flash quiz and i must admit that the author of it, did an absolutely terrific job. I strongly encourage you to email the author if you manage to solve this puzzle.

The purpose of this game is to find all objects that will assist you in getting out of the house. It requires some imagination and your strong attention in every detail. I loved it! And i solved it. If you feel frustrated, trying to solve it please leave a message and i will post the solution a.s.a.p.

I personally felt like Indiana Jones here. I loved the mystery and the background music.

Enjoy :)

Alexander Graham Bell telephony invention

2008-03-03T12:16:00.000-08:00

Celebrating the Alexander Graham Bell's birthday (3 March 1847 – 2 August 1922), we dedicate the following jokes in his memory :

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone,
"Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

One night, Jim and Betty were fast asleep when all of a sudden the phone rings. Jim wakens and goes to answer it. "How the heck should I know, that's a thousand miles away!!" he shouts out loud into the phone and then slams down the receiver.

"Who was that?" asks Betty.

"I have no idea, Lena, " answers Jim... "Somebody wanted to know if the coast is clear."

A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers. When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.

"I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you change yours?"

The company refused, so she said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full."

The company got a new number the next day.

Alexander Graham Bell thank you for your invention. If only you could live to see the dialup networks and the internet, the wifi, the satellites... you started the flame... may your soul rest in peace.

For the birds - short comic video by Pixar

2008-02-17T13:52:00.000-08:00

I love Pixar. Each and every video from those guys is a masterpiece. I really am a fan of their creations and i cannot hide it.

So here it is. One of the best short comic videos i've ever seen.

I really enjoyed it. I promise you will too.

Funniest drowning prank on the web

2008-01-12T08:58:00.000-08:00

This prank is one of the funniest i 've seen on t.v. The poor victims have gone crazy seeing the guy sinking in the water. I was a bit anxious to see what's going to happen and the video clip never showed what that sinking guy did underwater. It was a cool prank though.

One of the funniest around. Enjoy :)

January 1 TCP/IP celebration joke

2008-01-01T23:43:00.000-08:00

The following joke is dedicated to the celebration of the birthday of internet in January 1, 1983. In the early 1970's Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) gave birth to the Internet Protocol. In 1975, two TCP/IP communication tests were carried out between Stanford University and the University College of London (UCL). In November 1977, three network TCP/IP tests were conducted between the United States, United Kingdom and Norway. Between 1978 and 1983, several other TCP/IP prototypes have been developed at many research centers.
The total changeover to TCP/IP from the ARPANET was held on January 1, 1983
In memory of that day, we dedicate the following joke :

A grade school teacher was asking his pupils what their parents did for a living.
"Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?"
Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and went to Billy's house and rang the bell.
Billy's father answered the door.
The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's dad said, "I'm actually a system programmer specializing in TCP/IP communication protocol on UNIX systems. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

Anecdote: Revenge of the husband

2007-12-27T23:08:00.000-08:00

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

The husband says, "WHAT??"

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond
ear rings.

The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out -- but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

The husband says, "No, no, no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says,
"You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!"

Anecdote: Thief ensnared by stolen pager

2007-12-26T23:03:00.000-08:00

LONDON (Reuters) -- A British man trapped the thief who stole his pager by leaving a message saying he had won 500 pounds ($835) in a competition.

David Withers lost the pager when his car was broken into. Builder Justin C.......k, ensnared in the simplest of stings, was fined 150 pounds ($251) for being in possession of stolen property after answering the message.

Withers told reporters: "I was fuming when I found my car had been broken into. I called police and then decided to leave the message. Not long afterwards, my mobile rang and a shady-sounding voice asked about the prize.

"I told him he had won 500 pounds in a church fete and that I had paged him because I did not want to send the money by post.
The police arrested the idiot when he came to collect the prize.
I could not believe anybody would be that stupid."

Source: CNN

Anecdote: NEW VIRUS WARNING

2007-12-25T22:54:00.000-08:00

If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it.

This is the most dangerous Email virus yet.

It will re-write your hard drive.
Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.
It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles .
It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number.
It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over.
It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.
Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile.
It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.
It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole.
It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs.

Be very...... very afraid!!!

26 quick training courses for women

2007-12-24T11:17:00.000-08:00

1. Silence, The Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

2. The Undiscovered Side Of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Combating The Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Don't Need New Shoes
Everyday

4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After The Game.

6. Bathroom Etiquette 1: Men Need Space In The Bathroom Cabinet Too

7. Bathroom Etiquette 2: His Razor Is His

8. Communication Skills 1: Tears - The Last Resort, Not The First

9. Communication Skills 2: Thinking Before Speaking

10. Communication Skills 3: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging

11. Driving A Car Safely: A Skill You Can Acquire

12. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share

13. Telephone Skills: How To Hang Up

14. Introduction to Parking

15. Introduction to Petrol

16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space

17. Advanced Petrol: How To Take The Filler Cap Off

18. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

19. Cooking 1: Bran And Tofu Are Not For Human Consumption

20. Cooking 2: How Not To Inflict Your Diet On Other People

21. PMS: Your Problem... Not His

22. Dancing: Sober Men Don't Like To

24. Classic Clothing: Wearing Clothes You Already Have

25. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

26. Universal Remote Controls (Handle All devices in one): For Men Only!

10 Reasons why Greeks could not be responsible for Sept. 11

2007-12-23T10:32:00.000-08:00

10. 8:45am is too early for them to be up.

9. They are always late, they would have missed all 4 flights.

8. Pretty people on the plane distract them.

7. They would talk loudly and bring attention to themselves.

6. Food and drinks were on the plane.

5. They talk with their hands, they would probably have put their weapons down.

4. They would all want to fly the plane.

3. They would argue and start a fight in the plane.

2. They would have told everyone a week before doing it.

1. They would have put the Greek flag on the windshield.

Weather man VS cockroach

2007-12-22T06:39:00.000-08:00

Someone had the idea of throwing a cockroach in the studio. The weather man came on the set and a happy acquaintance took place ;)

Very funny. Enjoy :)

Not so Merry Christmas for Santa Claus

2007-12-21T12:13:00.001-08:00

McDonald welcome new customers with a high-5

2007-12-12T14:08:00.000-08:00

The environment has a chance : Kangaroo farts

2007-12-10T11:01:00.000-08:00

(As seen on metro.co.uk )

According to scientists, the environment has another chance with kangaroo's gas emitions.

Studies show that their farts are fighting global warming.

Thanks to a special bacteria in their stomachs, kangaroos do not emit harmful methane gas when they let off a stinker.

Australian scientists are now planning to transfer that bacteria into cows and sheep to make their flatulence eco-friendly.

Save that baby!

2007-12-10T05:35:00.000-08:00

Best commercial advertisment award goes to Wilkinson

2007-12-08T06:43:00.000-08:00

Absolutely amazing video. So funny. I 've never seen something like that in my life!
Congrats Wilkinson
The video is called : fight for kisses!

Web spot worth visiting

2007-12-01T22:22:00.000-08:00

Hi all.
A suggestion to take a look at a very nice webspot:

Very funny and creative.

Office remodelled

2007-12-01T17:37:00.000-08:00

Lot of work lately... not much time left for bathroom..

Well, say hello to my new office.... it was lately remodelled and redecorated with state of the art gadgets and devices...

PS: Does the word : hemoroids means anything to you??

Divorced Barbie doll takes all

2007-11-26T11:45:00.000-08:00

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.

He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager:
-"How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied:
-"Which one do you like? We have

"Barbie goes to the gym" for $19.95,

"Barbie goes to the Ball" for $19.95,

"Barbie goes shopping" for $19.95,

"Barbie goes to the beach" for $19.95,

"Barbie goes to the Nightclub" for $19.95 and

"Divorced Barbie" for $375.00 ....

- "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?",
the father interrupted...

The store manager replied:
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat, Ken's furniture and all of Ken's savings."

Seriously strange questions

2007-11-26T11:39:00.000-08:00

1. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

2. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

3. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?

4. Can you cry under water?

5. Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sitaround all day?

6. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?

7. Do fish ever get thirsty?

8. Can you get cornered in a round room?

9. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?

10. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oilis made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

11. What should one call a male ladybird?

12. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot?

13. Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes u can)

14. Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

15. If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be ! Able to hear it?

16. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

17. Why is it called a TV set when theres only one?

18. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?

19. If drink & drive is not allowed why the hell they have parking in Bars?

Best waterpark with the coolest waterpark prank ever

2007-10-28T04:38:00.000-07:00

This video is hillarious. It's guaranteed "laugh burst"!

Naked lady gone wild

2007-10-28T04:29:00.000-07:00

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!

Just found a penguin to poke

2007-10-23T13:44:00.000-07:00

Funniest, most amazing little penguin to play with :)
Courtesy of http://www2.gamesville.lycos.com

Americal Idol - Wrong Door edition

2007-10-09T13:48:00.000-07:00

American idol - Something smelly is going on

2007-10-09T13:37:00.000-07:00

American Idol best moments - Simon Cowell splashes

2007-10-09T13:33:00.000-07:00

Simon gets splashed by contestant

and here the splashes continue with an attempt from Ryan

George Bush - true human beatboxing artist

2007-10-01T14:53:00.000-07:00

Amazing live performance by the G-Bush unit.

e-Laughs labs - testing our jokes before publishing

2007-09-30T07:22:00.000-07:00

Here at e-LauGhs :-) labs, we test each and every one of the jokes or funny videos before we post them in order to make sure that the outcome will be certified funny stuff. We are testing our jokes on humans of all ages. As a proof of our strong efforts, we have videotaped the reaction of one of our millions of fans while he listens to our famous *PinG* / *Blogne* joke.

And here, we test on multiple targets our famous *donald duck* joke.

Finally, here is from the adults department. We test our videos :)

Warning : No targets where harmed during the testing. (Obviously)

Karate Kid Video - Best advertisment

2007-09-29T06:32:00.000-07:00

When i first saw that video - it was 6 years ago - i literally choked myself to death, laughing. This is one of the best most awarded video advertisment around and you can see foryourselves why.
Enjoy :)

The project manager, the software engineer, the hardware engineer and the genie

2007-09-28T17:39:00.000-07:00

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project.

About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, butsince there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The hardware engineer went first.
- "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me."
The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next.
- "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me."
The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn.
-"And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

- "I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager!

This cat is snoring

2007-09-18T09:48:00.000-07:00

Cutest cat around spotted! Video captured one of the cat's nap moments.
Turn on the volume to hear her snore!!

Driver licence - polish style

2007-09-11T08:27:00.000-07:00

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test

The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
- 'Can you read this?' the optician asked..
- 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy!'

Headache migraine symptoms

2007-09-11T08:16:00.000-07:00

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you. I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $ 36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS!

Candid Camera Classics

2007-08-30T11:01:00.000-07:00

Boemerang: The story of Erik Hartman and how his show ended

2007-08-18T14:33:00.000-07:00

The story of Erik Hartman and how his career ended during a show. Watch the video and you will understand the reason he got fired from the t.v. network that hosted the show "Boemerang".
I think of this as one of the greatest live t.v. laughs ever recorded on camera.

All yours :)

Attack of the blondes

2007-08-07T23:35:00.000-07:00

I did the mistake and watched this video during lunch and i almost choked while having a glass of water. I knew there were blond men out there, i've written about them in the past but in a more fictional way.

Ladies and gentlemen, i present you : Blond men, the video.

Enjoy :-)

Dancing web page

2007-08-01T13:23:00.000-07:00

Hey, are you drunk or what?

Before you answer just select/copy/paste the following piece of javascript, on your browser's address bar, press ENTER and then ask yourselves again!

javascript:R=0; x1=.1; y1=.05; x2=.25; y2=.24; x3=1.6; y3=.24; x4=300; y4=200; x5=300; y5=200; DI=document.images; DIL=DI.length; function A(){for(i=0; i-DIL; i++){DIS=DI[ i ].style; DIS.position='absolute'; DIS.left=Math.sin(R*x1+i*x2+x3)*x4+x5; DIS.top=Math.cos(R*y1+i*y2+y3)*y4+y5}R++}setInterval('A()',5); void(0);

Fat kid getting scared

2007-08-01T13:14:00.000-07:00

Watch the car closely and you'll laugh with that fat kid.
I am sure you will recognise it afterwards :-)
Requires sound!

Disclaimer: Not for the fainthearted. You have been warned!

Mentos and Diet Coke experiment from the founders - How to make a fountain

2007-08-01T11:57:00.000-07:00

That's another "digg it" video. A must-see from the founders of the Mentos-Diet Coke effect. After this invention, the internet has changed dramatically.

Moms, Bros and roommates... watch out! There's a camera and a bottle of diet coke for you ;-)

Amazing skater plays music while slaloming

2007-07-30T11:52:00.000-07:00

This is amazing. You have never seen something like this before! This guy does a slalom , while slightly passing nearby the road bottles, music is produced.
Well you have to take a look at it!

How to make a prank bomb

2007-07-18T14:05:00.000-07:00

Very funny prank using one piece of Mentos and a bottle of Coke. Enjoy but be carefull; The purpose of a prank is laughing not embarrasing or hurting in any way!

Yoga flexibility

2007-07-12T13:27:00.000-07:00

A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga.

She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.

Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.

"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."

You cannot mess with your Insurance Company

2007-06-25T12:05:00.000-07:00

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.

The man sued... and won!

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested ... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms!

Funny blonde joke

2007-06-13T13:20:00.000-07:00

There was a blonde woman who was sick of all the "dumb blonde" jokes, so she dyed her hair brunette.

Feeling better about her self she went for a drive in the country one day. She saw a shepherd and his flock near the side of the road and decided to stop and show this man how smart she was.

She asked him, "If I can tell you the exact number of sheep you have can I have a lamb?"

The shepherd said, "O.K."

She counted out 387 sheep and the shepherd agreed with the total so the woman went to picks out her lamb.

She was just about to get in the car when the shepherd asked, "If i can tell you the original color of your hair can I have my sheep dog back?"

Gaki no Tsukai - Do not laugh!

2007-05-30T14:40:00.000-07:00

Now for those who don't know already about this game, it was played in Japan. The players are not supposed to laugh with what is taking place. If they laugh, they get spanked once at their bottoms.

This video is a part of the whole series found here:
http://donotlaugh-highschool.blogspot.com

and will crack you up!

If you wish to see this video clip with english subs, you can click here

Laughing is guaranteed here!

Turtle on steroids

2007-05-18T13:24:00.000-07:00

Prank : My girlfriend is a stripper?

2007-05-18T13:05:00.000-07:00

...and here is proof!

Microsoft on-line tech support service

2007-05-08T22:06:00.000-07:00

Somebody once got an especially helpful reply to a question he asked on Microsoft's on-line tech support service. He wrote back to thank them for a complete and concise reply, and said how much he appreciated it.

The next day he had a response:

"We are looking into the problem and will contact you with a solution as soon as possible."

Hot Tip

2007-05-05T04:56:00.000-07:00

Now your blog can make you money.
Subscribe to Google Adsense, embed the script source and make money from you blog posts.

Click for more

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

2007-05-03T14:03:00.000-07:00

Actual newspaper headlines found in the daily press.

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says
Iraqi head seeks arms
Stud tires out
Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over
Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
British left waffles on Falkland Islands
Eye drops off shelf
Teacher strikes idle kids
Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead
Squad helps dog bite victim
Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
Miners refuse to work after death
Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
Stolen painting found by tree
Two soviet ships collide, one dies
2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
Never withhold herpes infection from loved one
Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84
War dims hope for peace
If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
Cold wave linked to temperatures

Henry Ford VS Von Neumann

2007-04-30T13:12:00.000-07:00

Henry Ford had ordered a dynamo for one of his plants. The dynamo didn't work, and not even the manufacturers could figure out why. A Ford employee told his boss that Von Neumann was "the smartest man in America," so Ford called Von Neumann and asked him to come out and take a look at the dynamo.

Von Neumann came, looked at the schematics, walked around the dynamo,
then took out a pencil.
He marked a line on the outside casing and said, "If you'll go in an cut the coil here, the dynamo will work fine."

They cut the coil, and the dynamo did work fine.

Ford then told Von Neumann to send him a bill for the work. Von Neumann sent Ford a bill for $5,000.
Ford was astounded -- $5,000 was a lot in the 1950s -- and asked Von Neumann for an itemized account.

Here's what he submitted:

Drawing a line with the pencil: $ 1
Knowing where to draw the line with the pencil: $4,999

Ford paid the bill.

Chinese fortune cookie gone wrong way

2007-04-28T08:42:00.000-07:00

Crocodile dundee away on vacation

2007-04-28T08:35:00.000-07:00

Dear neighbour,

i will be off for the weekend and i was wondering if you could do me a favour and feed "spot" while i'm away. I left food in my fridge. Don't worry 'bout cooking. Spot likes his meat raw.

Thanks

Your neighbour,
John "Dundee" Smith

Newest software update for the well known office suite.

2007-04-28T08:26:00.000-07:00

This notification was received by email. Hurry up and download now ;p

Magic trick with cards never seen before!

2007-04-21T05:20:00.000-07:00

Gorilla prank at the zoo

2007-04-21T04:34:00.000-07:00

When i saw this funny video, i laughed my lol out!!
Thought i should share. Enjoy :-)

No game kid

2007-04-19T11:55:00.000-07:00

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

- "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left."
- "None", replied Johnny, "'cause the rest would fly away".
- "Well the answer is four", said the teacher, "but I like the way you are thinking".

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?"
- "Well..." said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
- "No", said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking".

Why did the chicken...errr

2007-04-19T11:41:00.000-07:00

- Why did the Gum cross the road??
- Because it was stuck to the chicken!!!

Books you will never find in a book store

2007-04-16T13:45:00.000-07:00

You will never find these books in a book store (either used or new :-p)

- 124 Simple Exercises For the Teeth
- A Complete List Of All the Things That Are Still Pending
- A Hundred Dead People Nobody Misses
- A List Of People Who Mean Well
- A Treasury Of Poorly Understood Ideas
- Backpacking For Shut-ins
- Caring For the Seated
- Controlling Fear Without Getting Frightened
- Cooking With Heat
- Don't Throw Away Your Old Skin
- Eat, Run, Stay Fit, and Die Anyway
- Famous Bullcrap Stories
- Famous People Who Were Wiry
- Fill Your Life With Croutons
- How To Become a Grease Ball
- How To Do Everything At Once
- How To Filet a Panda
- How To Get a Tan With a Flashlight
- How To Get Back From Boston
- How To Give a King a Really Hard Time
- How To Give People Your Best Regards
- How To Give Yourself a Complete Physical Without Getting Undressed
- How To Kill a Rat With an Oboe
- How To Lease Out the Space Inside Your Nose
- How To Organize a Tupperware Gang-Bang
- How To Seem Intelligent
- How To Spoil Other People's Fun
- How To Spot a Creep From a Distance
- How To Spot Truly Vicious People in Church
- How To Start a Range War
- How To Turn Unbearable Pain Into Extra Income
- How To Wave Good-bye Without Moving Your Arms
- I Gave Up Hope and Died and It Worked
- I Suck You Suck
- Let's Change the Alphabet
- Marriage For One
- My Dog Is a Real Fruit
- Peace Of Mind By Losing Complete Control For Sixteen Hours a Day
- Poems For the Insane
- Re-organizing Your Pockets
- Rid Yourself Of Doubt--Or Should You?
- Self Mutilation as an attention getter
- Six Cities No One Has Ever Been To
- Six Ways To "do" it before breakfast
- Sixty-four Good Reasons For Giving Up Hope
- Sport Fishing With Power Saws
- Ten Things We Don't Know Yet
- The Complete List Of Everyone's Personal Affects
- The Food Coloring Diet
- The Intravenous Cookbook
- The Meaning Of Corn
- The Stains In Your Shorts Can Indicate Your Future
- The Wrong Underwear Can Kill
- There's Big Money In Staying Put
- Things No One Can Help
- Tremble Your Way To Fitness
- Trotting Across Zaire
- Understanding People You'll Never Meet
- What To Wear On the Toilet
- Why Hawaii and Norway Are Not Near Each Other
- Why It Doesn't Snow Anymore
- Why Jews Point
- You Give Me Six Weeks and I'll Give You Some Disease
- Your old Shoes Are Worth Money
- Your Thighs Control Your Life

Pilot joke : The two rules of flight

2007-04-11T15:28:00.000-07:00

(This was an intercepted conversation between two pilots : a rookie and a senior pilot while trying to catch up with my Las Vegas - Nevada flight)

Rule #1 : Captain is always right.

Rule #2 : If Captain is wrong ... see Rule #1

Sleezy day dream : Sex and The GirL

2007-04-11T15:16:00.000-07:00

I met this beautiful girl last night.

She invited me back to her place and we had the greatest steamiest sex ever.

Actually, it wasn't really the *greatest* sex ever,
it was more like medium-great sex, and well, she didn't exactly invite me back to her place, I sort of followed her home to her apartment.

To be factual, we didn't actually have sex per se, but we came very close.
You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely...
well, actually, I was fondling her, she wasn't fondling me...
well, really, I wasn't actually *fondling* her,
our bodies just got very close together.

To be honest, I just sort of brushed into her.

Accidentally.

But it was great, really hot and sensual you know?

Actually, to be specific, it wasn't really her that I brushed into,
it was actually the back of the chair she was sitting in.

Although, the chair was...
on the other side of a wall you see...in another room sort of.
And I was sort of leaning on the wall,
but the chair was very close to the wall, very close.
Of course, she was on the third floor and I was sort of...on the street...leaning against the building.

But wow!

What a night!

What a night!!!

Famous Last Words

2007-04-08T13:17:00.000-07:00

- "Oh my God!"
- "Jesus Christ!"
- "I know Bob said it looks like real dynamite."
- "Of course it's sturdy."
- "The pin was in there seven seconds ago." (note: grenades go off after eight seconds)
- "What truck?"
- "What could go wrong?"
- "Oops..."
- "I think I turned it off."
- "I'm bwot dwunk."
- "What does this button do?"
- "Do you smell smoke?"
- "Aaaaiieeeeeeee!!!"
- "Auggh!"
- "Oh sh-"
- "Don't worry. It's not loaded."
- "All right, sir, I won't tell you the building is on fire."
- "It's perfectly safe."
- "Welcome [hic] aboard. This is [hic] your, um, captain. [hic]"
- "We'll be fine."
- "I've done this opperation twice already!"
- "Why, the next time I see that axe murderer...."
- "Whoops, I dropped my wallet on the trackes..."
- "Where's my parachute?"
- "No! Not THAT button!"
- "Daddy, what happens if my foot is stuck in the escalator?"
- "I can't swim!"
- "I have complete confidence that Joe can stop them... Oh, hi Joe."
- "Where's my pet tarantula?"
- "What are you going to do, kill me?"
- "I' ll dive anyway. A couple of cookies just a few minutes ago won't harm"
- "Cover me!"
- "Cut the green wire!"
- "Wow, honey... Are you fat or what?!"
- "Ah... ooooh.... aaaahhh.. oohhhhhhh.. Bett.. errr Susan"
- "Nice doggie"
- "Don't worry; The ice is thick enough"
- "Is that snake poisonous?"
- "I wonder if i can speed up to 160 mph"
- "Hmmm... best before 31/12/1980..."
- "Relax... I've done this before."
- "...feels better now.."
- "...i'll volunteer for that circus lion trick"
- "3, 2, 1, bungeeeeeeeeee...."
- "what a beautiful baby bear.. i wonder where it's mother is.."
- "Watch this..."
- "What's that priest doing here?"
- "Of course it's a bulletproof vest. Just shoot me and you see for yourself"
- "Looks good to me..."
- "You won't get me alive"
- "You wouldn't dare!"
- "I have read that this tribe stopped being cannibals a few decades ago"
- "Don't worry... that needle was sterilized"
- "What's this thorn on the back of that strange fish?"
Latest additions :
"That meal - there wasn't by any chance peanuts in it were there?"
(submitted by my e-Friend Thought 4 the Day)

Desperate housewives

2007-04-07T08:31:00.000-07:00

The housewife answered the phone and listened with relief to the voice in her ear. "How are you, dear? What kind of day are you having?"

"Oh, mom, the baby won't eat, the washing machine is broke, i've not been able to get out of the house to shop, i twisted my ankle and have been hobbling around. On top of that, the house is a mess and we're supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight."

"Now dear, just stay calm. Sit down, relax, close your eyes, and I'll be over in 1/2 hour. I'll do the shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll take care of the baby when I get there and call a repairman I know who'll get the washing machine fixed. In fact, I'll call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George? Who's George?"

"Why, that's your husband, dear."

"Mom, I don't have a husband."

"Is this XXX-XXX-XXXXX?"

"Uh, no, it's not. I think you have a wrong number."
The housewife paused. "Uhhh, does this mean you're not coming over?"

Strange Answers to Strange Questions

2007-04-05T07:24:00.000-07:00

Answers to frequently asked questions

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.

Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them use to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."

Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village".

There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."

The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.

Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

Until 1965, driving was done on the left-hand side on roads in Sweden. The conversion to right-hand was done on a weekday at 5pm. All traffic stopped as people switched sides. This time and day were chosen to prevent accidents where drivers would have gotten up in the morning and been too sleepy to realize that *this* was the day of the changeover.

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

Dr. Seuss pronounced "Seuss" such that it rhymed with "rejoice."

In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again, Sam."

Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson."

More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.

The term, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye" is from Ancient Rome. The only rule during wrestling matches was, "No eye gouging." Everything else was allowed, but the only way to be disqualified was to poke someone's eye out.

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds!

At the beer fest in Amsterdam, the Netherlands

2007-04-05T07:23:00.000-07:00

There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands...

At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, the president of Miller orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors and the list goes on...

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

Troubleshooting beer belly from different beer brewing

2007-04-02T12:36:00.000-07:00

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

Funny Video full of splashes

2007-04-02T03:25:00.000-07:00

This was very funny.

Check it out

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