Compiler

This definition of "compiler" must rank as the BEST of the possible wrong answers.

Written by a student in a introductory Computer Science course.

"A compiler's primary function is to compile, organize the compilation, and go right back to compiling. It compiles basically only those things that require to be compiled, ignoring things that should not be compiled. The main way a compiler compiles, is to compile the things to be compiled until the compilation is complete."

Engineers bicycle

Two engineers were standing in the park.
One had a new bike.
The other said, "Nice bike. How much?"
The first said , "It was free."
The other asked, "Wow, how did you get it for free?"
The one with the bike said," Yesterday a beatiful girl rode up on this bike, took off all her clothes and told me I could have anything I wanted."
The other enigneer said, "Good move! Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway"

Fire department on fire

A lady phones the fire department and says, "I want to report a fire in my house."

The fireman on the other end says, "Where is it, lady"

"It's in the kitchen," she replies.

"No," he says, "I meant, how do we get there?"

"Well," she explains, "you can either come up the front walk, across the porch and through the living room, or you can come around back and up the stairs and it's right there."

"I'm sorry, m'am," says the fireman, "what I meant was, how do we get from where WE are to where YOU are?"

After a short pause, the lady asks, "Don't you have any more of those big, red trucks?"

The airline pilot

An airline pilot with poor eyesight had managed to pass his periodic vision exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand. One year, though, his doctor used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded to recite the old chart and the doctor realized that she'd been hoodwinked.

Well, the pilot proved to be nearly blind as a bat. But the doctor could not contain her curiosity:
- "How is it that someone with your eyesight can manage to pilot a plane at all? I mean, how for example do you taxi the plane out to the runway?"
- "Well," says the pilot, "it's really not very hard. All you have to do is follow the instructions of the ground controller over the radio. And besides, the landmarks have all become quite familiar to me over the years."
- "I can understand that," replies the doctor. "But what about the take-off?"
- "Again, a simple procedure. I just aim the plane down the runway, go to full throttle, pull back on the stick, and off we go!"
- "But once you're aloft?"
- "Oh, everything's fully automated these days. The flight computer knows ourdestination, and all I have to do is hit the autopilot and the plane pretty
much flies itself."
- "But I still don't see how you land!"
- "Oh, that's the easiest part of all. All I do is use the airport's radio beacon to get us on the proper glide path. Then I just throttle down and wait for the co-pilot to yell, 'AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!' pull the nose up, and the plane lands just fine!"

The skirt and the zipper

A woman was wearing a very tight skirt.

When she tried to board the Fifth Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg.

She reached back and unzipped her zipper.

It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back and unzipped it again.

Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put her on the top step of the bus.

- "How dare you?" she demanded.

- "Well, lady," he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the second time I thought we were good friends."

Watch that fly

There was a fly above the water...A trout looked
upandsaid,"ifthatflydrops 6 inches, I'll have myself
somedinner."Therewasabearlooking atthe fly and trout. He said to
himself,"If thatflydrops6inches, thetrout will jump up to get it,
thenIwillhavedinner."Ahunter wasstaring at the bear. He thought
tohimself,"Ifthatflydrops 6 inches,the trout will jump and bear will
leapoutandIcanhave a clear shot atthe bear."A mouse
waslookingateverythingthatwas going on and hethought, "If that fly
drops6inches,the troutwilljump to get it, thebear will leap out at
thetrout,thehunterwilltake a step forward toshoot the bear and
hissandwichwillfall outofhis pocket and I can havemyself some dinner."A
catin atreewasalsolooking at the situation andhe thought, "If the
flydrops6inches,thetrout will jump to get it, thebear will leap
outatthetrout,thehunter will step forward and shootthe bear, the
mousewillmovetogetthe sandwich that fell from hispocket and I can
jumponitandhavedinner."Well, the fly dropped 6inches, the
troutjumpedandgotthefly, the bear leaped out and
grabbedthetrout,thehuntersteppedforward and shot the bear, the sandwich
fellfromhispocketandthemouse moved to get the sandwich, but...the
gunshotscaredthepussycatand it fell in the water......The moral of
thestory:whentheflydropssix inches, the pussy
getswet........................................................

Questions for thinking

- What is the speed of dark?

- Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?

- If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of

earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?

- What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

- After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out

of the water?

- If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

- What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

- Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

- If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

- How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

- Why when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a

woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute ?

- You know how most packages say "Open here".What is the protocol if the

package says, "Open somewhere else"?

- Since Americans throw rice at weddings do orientals throw hamburgers?

- Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't

they be called builts?

- The light went out, but where to ?

- Why is the alphabet in that order?

- If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi

driver end up owing you money?

- If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

- If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation?

Hierarchy in action

When the staff goes out together after work, they talk about football or basketball.



When middle management gets together, they talk about tennis or baseball.



Top management discusses golf.



Conclusion:

The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are ;-)





PS: I hope my manager hasn't subscribed here!!

Bobs assessment

My boss asked me for a letter describing my partner Bob Smith, and
this is what I wrote:


1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5. finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. executed as soon as possible.


S.D. - Project Leader


Shortly afterward I sent the following follow-up note:


That bastard Bob was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered
lines (1, 3, 5, etc.) for my true assessment.


Regards,
S.D.

Sweet home Alabama kid

It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50.

Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20.



Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."



The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the

alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."



The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed".

This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked.



"No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18!!"