The Irishmen and the lightbulb

Q: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Twentyone. One to hold the bulb, and twenty to drink until the room spins.

Indian maths

The chief of an Indian tribe in Western Nebraska was faced with a dilemma.
He had three daughters.
The oldest was one of the most beautiful women who ever lived. She was smart as well as beautiful.
The second daughter was also very beautiful, but not as striking as the first.
The third was very, very plain. (The tribe was a group of Plains Indians.)
There were three young Indian warriors vying for the affections of the chief's daughters. To solve the dilemma and get his daughters married, the chief proposed that the three Indian braves go out into the forest and return with evidence of their hunting prowess.

All three braves agreed.

The first Indian, the best warrior and hunter in the tribe, immediately spotted a ferocious mountain lion. Taking his bow and arrow, he shot the lion, skinned it and returned to camp with the pelt. The chief was impressed, and asked the young warrior if he wanted to marry his oldest, most beautiful, most accomplished daughter. The brave replied that he did. The chief said, "Take your lion skin to your tepee, lay it on the ground, and my daughter will join you. Then you may consummate your
marriage, and tomorrow, with all the rites and traditions of the tribe, I shall perform the sacred marriage ceremony." The young Indian did as he was directed.

The second Indian, not as lucky as the first, took two days to find prey worth shooting to prove his hunting prowess. He spotted a bear. He shot it with his bow and arrow, skinned it, and returned to camp with the bearskin. The chief was impressed, and he asked him if he wanted to marry his second daughter. The brave replied that he did. The chief said, "Take the bearskin to your tepee, lay the pelt on the ground, and my daughter will join you. Then you may consummate your marriage, and tomorrow, in all the rites and traditions of our tribe, I shall perform the sacred marriage ceremony." The Indian did as he was directed.

The third Indian was, to be frank, a bumbling, inept fool. He was no warrior, he couldn't hunt, and he could barely build a fire. He had been a failure at "Indianing" since anyone could remember. He went out to the forest, but couldn't find a lion or bear. Finally, he did manage to find a sleeping hippopotamus wallowing in the river. (Probably an escaped hippopotamus from the circus or zoo, to explain its presence in western Nebraska.) He shot it, skinned it, and brought the hippo skin back to camp. The chief was impressed, and he realized that although this was no fierce forest animal, the young brave had fulfilled his hunting obligation.
"Would you like to marry my third, plain daughter?" the chief asked. The brave replied that he did. "Take the hippo skin to your tepee, lay it on the ground, and my daughter will join you and you may consummate your marriage. Tomorrow, with all the rites and traditions of the tribe, I shall perform the sacred marriage ceremony." And the young brave followed instructions.

Oh, wonder of wonders! Nine months later, three wonderful events occurred.
The first Indian brave and his beautiful wife had a baby boy.
The second Indian brave and his beautiful wife had a baby boy.
But the bumbling Indian who was good at nothing, and his plain wife, who wasn't much better, had twin boys!
The tribe was amazed, none more than the chief, because twins portended something special in Indian folklore, and nobody could understand how this had happened to the third daughter and the third brave.
Finally the chief gathered the people around him and said, "I believe I know the reason for this mighty and wonderful event.
Remember, ... the sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides."

Honeymoon couple

A couple were on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,
- "I have a confession to make - I had a relationship before i met you."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been engaged with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"David Sawndermann."
"David Sawndermann, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"David Sawndermann, the world's No1 Golf Champion????"
"Yes dear."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you were with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" says the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food."

"David wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would David do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" she says.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."

"David wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would David do then?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling David Sawndermann to find out what's par for this hole!!!"

Darn 30th floor

Two friends had to carry a piano by the stairs to the 30th floor of a skyscraper because the piano was bigger than what the elevator could fit. When they reached the 30th floor, they took a little brake to catch up with their breath. They stared the view outside the big window for a while.
- "I have two good news and a bad one"
- "tell me"
- "The first one is that we finally reached the 30th floor"
- "What's the other?"
- "The second one is that the view from up here is great"
- "... and the bad news?"
- "You see that 30th floor of that scyscraper over there?"
- "Yeap.. so?"
- "That's where the piano should have gone!"