The housewife answered the phone and listened with relief to the voice in her ear. "How are you, dear? What kind of day are you having?"
"Oh, mom, the baby won't eat, the washing machine is broke, i've not been able to get out of the house to shop, i twisted my ankle and have been hobbling around. On top of that, the house is a mess and we're supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight."
"Now dear, just stay calm. Sit down, relax, close your eyes, and I'll be over in 1/2 hour. I'll do the shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll take care of the baby when I get there and call a repairman I know who'll get the washing machine fixed. In fact, I'll call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."
"George? Who's George?"
"Why, that's your husband, dear."
"Mom, I don't have a husband."
"Is this XXX-XXX-XXXXX?"
"Uh, no, it's not. I think you have a wrong number."
The housewife paused. "Uhhh, does this mean you're not coming over?"
Saturday, April 07, 2007
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Strange Answers to Strange Questions
Answers to frequently asked questions
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them use to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."
Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village".
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."
The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.
Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
Until 1965, driving was done on the left-hand side on roads in Sweden. The conversion to right-hand was done on a weekday at 5pm. All traffic stopped as people switched sides. This time and day were chosen to prevent accidents where drivers would have gotten up in the morning and been too sleepy to realize that *this* was the day of the changeover.
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
Dr. Seuss pronounced "Seuss" such that it rhymed with "rejoice."
In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again, Sam."
Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson."
More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.
The term, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye" is from Ancient Rome. The only rule during wrestling matches was, "No eye gouging." Everything else was allowed, but the only way to be disqualified was to poke someone's eye out.
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.
The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds!
At the beer fest in Amsterdam, the Netherlands
There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands...
At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.
The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, the president of Miller orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors and the list goes on...
Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!
"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.
"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."
Monday, April 02, 2007
Troubleshooting beer belly from different beer brewing
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
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