Pilot joke : The two rules of flight

(This was an intercepted conversation between two pilots : a rookie and a senior pilot while trying to catch up with my Las Vegas - Nevada flight)


Rule #1 : Captain is always right.

Rule #2 : If Captain is wrong ... see Rule #1

Sleezy day dream : Sex and The GirL

I met this beautiful girl last night.

She invited me back to her place and we had the greatest steamiest sex ever.

Actually, it wasn't really the *greatest* sex ever,
it was more like medium-great sex, and well, she didn't exactly invite me back to her place, I sort of followed her home to her apartment.

To be factual, we didn't actually have sex per se, but we came very close.
You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely...
well, actually, I was fondling her, she wasn't fondling me...
well, really, I wasn't actually *fondling* her,
our bodies just got very close together.

To be honest, I just sort of brushed into her.

Accidentally.

But it was great, really hot and sensual you know?

Actually, to be specific, it wasn't really her that I brushed into,
it was actually the back of the chair she was sitting in.

Although, the chair was...
on the other side of a wall you see...in another room sort of.
And I was sort of leaning on the wall,
but the chair was very close to the wall, very close.
Of course, she was on the third floor and I was sort of...on the street...leaning against the building.

But wow!

What a night!

What a night!!!

Famous Last Words

- "Oh my God!"
- "Jesus Christ!"
- "I know Bob said it looks like real dynamite."
- "Of course it's sturdy."
- "The pin was in there seven seconds ago." (note: grenades go off after eight seconds)
- "What truck?"
- "What could go wrong?"
- "Oops..."
- "I think I turned it off."
- "I'm bwot dwunk."
- "What does this button do?"
- "Do you smell smoke?"
- "Aaaaiieeeeeeee!!!"
- "Auggh!"
- "Oh sh-"
- "Don't worry. It's not loaded."
- "All right, sir, I won't tell you the building is on fire."
- "It's perfectly safe."
- "Welcome [hic] aboard. This is [hic] your, um, captain. [hic]"
- "We'll be fine."
- "I've done this opperation twice already!"
- "Why, the next time I see that axe murderer...."
- "Whoops, I dropped my wallet on the trackes..."
- "Where's my parachute?"
- "No! Not THAT button!"
- "Daddy, what happens if my foot is stuck in the escalator?"
- "I can't swim!"
- "I have complete confidence that Joe can stop them... Oh, hi Joe."
- "Where's my pet tarantula?"
- "What are you going to do, kill me?"
- "I' ll dive anyway. A couple of cookies just a few minutes ago won't harm"
- "Cover me!"
- "Cut the green wire!"
- "Wow, honey... Are you fat or what?!"
- "Ah... ooooh.... aaaahhh.. oohhhhhhh.. Bett.. errr Susan"
- "Nice doggie"
- "Don't worry; The ice is thick enough"
- "Is that snake poisonous?"
- "I wonder if i can speed up to 160 mph"
- "Hmmm... best before 31/12/1980..."
- "Relax... I've done this before."
- "...feels better now.."
- "...i'll volunteer for that circus lion trick"
- "3, 2, 1, bungeeeeeeeeee...."
- "what a beautiful baby bear.. i wonder where it's mother is.."
- "Watch this..."
- "What's that priest doing here?"
- "Of course it's a bulletproof vest. Just shoot me and you see for yourself"
- "Looks good to me..."
- "You won't get me alive"
- "You wouldn't dare!"
- "I have read that this tribe stopped being cannibals a few decades ago"
- "Don't worry... that needle was sterilized"
- "What's this thorn on the back of that strange fish?"
Latest additions :
"That meal - there wasn't by any chance peanuts in it were there?"
(submitted by my e-Friend Thought 4 the Day)