One of the wisest motos

If sometimes you feel yourself little, useless, offended and depressed,
always remember that you were once the fastest and most victorious sperm
out of hundreds of millions

Jewish Divorces ;-)

Amir calls his son the week before New Year's eve (Hashana) and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister and tell her."

Yitzak, the son calls his sister Alona, who explodes on the phone.
"No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Dad immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there.

I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old Jewish man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay, he says, "they're coming home for New Year's eve and paying their own way."

The revenge of the Husband

You gotta love this guy! This is a true story about a recent Greek wedding
that took place in Astoria, NY.

It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a large wedding with about 600 guests...

At the reception after the wedding, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from Greece, to support
them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his new bride having sex with the best man!!!

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a
couple of minutes, he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here. You people could stay here and celebrate with that @#$@#."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge: Making the bride's parents pay over $92,000 for a 600 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 600 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of a mountain.

Commercial out of this ?
Let's give it a try...

---Elegant wedding reception for 600 family
members and friends.....................................$92,000.
---Wedding photographs commemorating
the occasion....................................................$4,000.
---Deluxe two week honeymoon
accommodations on Mykonos Island.............$10,500.
---The look on everyone's face when they
see the 8x10 glossy
of the bride and the best man having sex........Priceless!

There are some things money can't buy.

Smart Kid

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked,
"Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
"ME."

PEOPLE WONDER WHY THE CALL CENTRE GUYS ARE PAID SO MUCH

......FOR JUST BEING ON THE PHONE. TAKE A LOOK:


1). Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
--------------------------------------------------
2) Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
--------------------------------------------------
3).Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
--------------------------------------------------
4).Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$
--------------------------------------------------
5).Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
--------------------------------------------------
6) Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."
--------------------------------------------------
7). Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer:: "How do you spell that?"
--------------------------------------------------
8). Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."

--------------------------------------------------
9). Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
--------------------------------------------------
10). Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
--------------------------------------------------
11).Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
--------------------------------------------------
12).Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
--------------------------------------------------
13). Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print
document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
--------------------------------------------------
14). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24
hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
--------------------------------------------------
15). Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
--------------------------------------------------
16). A plain computer illeterate guy rings tech support to report that his
computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and
it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is
frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is
an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let
me know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with
NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the
file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he
started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
-------------------------------------------------
17) customer care officer:I need a product identification no: right now and
may I help u in finding it out?
Cust: sure
CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?
Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer?

Osama

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama Bin Laden is still alive,"
Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. All to no avail.

With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI6 for help.

Within minutes, MI6 cabled the White House Chief of Staff with this reply:
"Tell your President he's holding the message upside down."

A real story

Dear friends
I found this real life story very interesting to read. It also broadens your perception of things.


An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem science has with God, the Almighty. He asks one of his new students to stand and.....

Professor: So you believe in God?

Student: Absolutely, sir.

Professor: Is God good?

Student: Sure.

Professor: Is God all-powerful?

Student: Yes.

Professor: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But God didn't. How is this God good then? Hm?

Student: (Silent.)

Professor: You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fellow. Is God good?

Student: Yes.

Professor: Is Satan good?

Student: No

Professor: Where does Satan come from?

Student: From...God..

Professor: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?

Student: Yes.

Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything. Correct?

Student: Yes.

Professor: So who created evil?

Student: (Silent.)

Professor: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don't they?

Student: Yes, sir.

Professor: So, who created them?

Student: (Silent.)

Professor: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and serve the world around you. Tell me, son...Have you ever seen God?

Student: No, sir.

Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your God?

Student: No, sir.

Professor: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelled your God? Have you ever had any sensory perception of God for that matter?

Student: No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.

Professor: Yet you still believe in Him?

Student: Yes.

Professor: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?

Student: Nothing. I only have my faith.

Professor: Yes, faith. And that is the problem science has.

Student: Professor, is there such a thing as heat?

Professor: Yes.

Student: And is there such a thing as cold?

Professor: Yes.

Student: No sir. There isn't.

(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events)

Student: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have any thing called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre)

Student: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?

Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?

Student: You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light.... But, if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and it is called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't. If it were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?

Professor: So what is the point you are making, young man?

Student: Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

Professor: Flawed? Can you explain how?

Student: Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad. God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

Professor: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.

Student: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

Professor: (The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.)

Student: Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavour, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?

(The class is in uproar)

Student: Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor's brain?

(The class breaks out into laughter)

Student: Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's brain, felt it, touched or smelled it?.....No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room is silent. The professor stares at the student)

Professor: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.

Student: That is it, sir.. The link between man & God is FAITH. That is all that keeps things moving & alive.

That young man was ALBERT EINSTEIN.......

Smarties agains

1. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
2. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David,
Hearts - Charlemagne,
Clubs -Alexander,
the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar
3. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
4. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs inthe air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person diedas a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the persondied of natural causes.
5. 'I am.' is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
6. Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.
7. Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you could find the letter a ?
A. One thousand.
8. Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, andlaser printers all have in common.
A. All invented by women.
9. Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
10. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames byropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making thebed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase 'goodnight, sleep tight'.
11 . It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for amonth after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-lawwith all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because theircalendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month or whatwe know today as the honeymoon.
12. In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you hadconsent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyonewanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King who gave them aplacard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. Theplacard had F**K (Fornication Under Consent of the King) onit. Now you know where that word came from.
13. Last but not least: In Scotland, a new game was invented. It wasentitled Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden and thus the word GOLF enteredinto the English language.

Management lesson

Johnny wanted to do a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $1000 dollars if you let me screw you....but the girl said NO.
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....
So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get hispants down.
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......
She said "The bastard used coins"

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

Timbuktu

A poetry contest is taking place in England. There are many participants from all over the world, tv is there and it is also being broadcasted over Sattelite and Radio.
We finally are in the finals where the winning participants are a priest and a bump

The last challenge they have to face is to create a poer in 10 minutes that it will talk about timbuktu
Time starts
they both start to write... 10 minutes pass and the coordinator tells the priest to start reading his poet :
"Please father start reading", and so he does :

"I've been a father all my life. I have no children, have no wife.
I read the Bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu."

Crowd cheers the priest for his excellent poet

The coordinator tells the bump to read his poet and so he does :

"When Tim and I to London went, we found some hookers cheap to rent
They were three, and we were two. So I booked one and Tim booked two."

Differences

Women
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband, the very next morning, that she had to stay at her girlfriend's apartment overnight. So the husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirmed that.

Men
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the next morning, that he had to stay at his friend's apartment overnight. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends. 5 of them
confirmed that he stayed at their apartments that night.
The other 5 claimed that he is still with them.

Funny flash game from cartoon network

Here you will find a beautiful flash game for your spare time http://www.cartoonnetwork.com/games/action/tj/whatsthecatch/game.swf

Enjoy!

Helpdesk stories

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...

******
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note .."
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet.. it's still
on my desk... Sorry...

******
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

******
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill

Gates!

******
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time

I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and
placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't

find it...

******
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah..................Thank you.

******
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

******
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: Okay.
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah..that one does work!

******
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
letter V as in Victor, and the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

******
A customer couldn't get on the Internet:
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

******
Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

******
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screen saver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!


*******
And the winner is...

Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it ?

my big Greek fat Mother!

Phone rings.
GREEK MOTHER (Greek accent) picks up the phone and answers:

Greek Mother: Hello?
Daughter: Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?
Greek Mother: You're going out?
Daughter: Yes.
Greek Mother: With whom?
Daughter: With a friend.
Greek Mother: I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a goodman.
Daughter: I didn't leave him. He left me!
Greek Mother: You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.
Daughter: I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?
Greek Mother: I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.
Daughter: There are lots of things that you did and I don't.
Greek Mother: What are you hinting at?
Daughter: Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids overtonight.
Greek Mother: You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?
Daughter: My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!
Greek Mother: So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?
Daughter: He's not a loser.
Greek Mother: A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children isa loser and a parasite.
Daughter: I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?
Greek Mother: Poor children with such a mother.
Daughter: Such a what?
Greek Mother: With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.
Daughter: ENOUGH !!!
Greek Mother: Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!
Daughter: Now you're worried about the loser?
Greek Mother: Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.
Daughter: Goodbye mother.
Greek Mother: Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
Daughter: I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!
Greek Mother: If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?

Military Wisdom

"WHEN THE PIN IS PULLED, MR. GRENADE IS NOT OUR FRIEND." -US Marine Corps

"IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE, SO ARE YOU." -Infantry Journal

"A SLIPPING GEAR COULD LET YOUR M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER FIRE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. THAT WOULD MAKE YOU QUITE UNPOPULAR IN WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR UNIT." -Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

"IT IS GENERALLY INADVISABLE TO EJECT DIRECTLY OVER THE AREA YOU JUST BOMBED." -US. Air Force manual

"TRY TO LOOK UNIMPORTANT; THE ENEMY MAY BE LOW ON AMMO." -Infantry Journal

"BRAVERY IS BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS YOU'RE AFRAID." -David Hackworth

"IF YOUR ATTACK IS GOING TOO WELL, YOU'RE WALKING INTO AN AMBUSH." - Infantry Journal

"ANY SHIP CAN BE A MINESWEEPER....ONCE." -Anon

"NEVER TELL THE PLATOON SERGEANT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO." - Unknown Marine Recruit

"DON'T DRAW FIRE; IT IRRITATES THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU." -Infantry Journal

"IF YOU SEE A BOMB TECHNICIAN RUNNING, TRY TO KEEP UP WITH HIM." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

Mistakes :)

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
- "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded:
- "You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
- "No" replied the trainee.
- "It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back:
- "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
- "No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
- "Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

Hello to all.

Hi everyone and welcome to this laughing blog.



e Laughs's only purpose is to provide a happy break to our lives.



I will post every funny mail i 've been sent to share some laughs with you.



Feel free to post your comments.



Cheers everyone.

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