Skiing gear

A guy at a store that sells skiing gear
Client : Hello sir, do you sell skiing gear?
Salesman : Yes sir, we have everything about skiing
Client : I would like a crutch

Australian Travel Agencies answering strange questions from customers all over the world (real Q&A)

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific, which doesn't... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Insects and their sex

The wife enters the kitchen and sees her husband holding a fly whisk
Wife : "What are you doing?"
Husband : "I'm Killing flies"
Wife : "Any success so far?"
Husband : "Yeap, three males and two females"
Wife : "? How did you tell their sex ??"
Husband : "Three flies were standing over my open beer can and two were standing on the phone."

Walking is good for you...

- Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where she is.

- The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

- I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

- I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

- I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

- The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

- And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Misc

A banana to the vibrator : Why are you shaking? At least you don't get eaten in the end!

How do you call a bisexual polar bear?
.
.
bipolar



- Mom? Now that i am 16, can i wear bra?
- No, Jason

@ work ;-)

We eavesdrop outside the manager's office
and we hear the flirtatious voice of his secretary

- Oh please don't touch me...
- Oh please don't touch...
- Oh please don't...
- Oh pleeeease...
- Oooooh...

Pet Diary

A Dog's Diary:



8 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!

10 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!

11 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!

12 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!

1 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!

3 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!

4 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!

5 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!

7 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

10 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping on the bed! My favorite!





A Cat's Diary:



Day 283 of my captivity



My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.



Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded -- must try this at the top of the stairs.



In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors I induced one of my feline compatriots after eating to vomit on the carpet. When this failed to achieve the desired effect I decided to consume the vomit to further their repulsion. Not only was I unsuccessful, but the taste remains in my mouth.



There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.



The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.



For now I wait, it is only a matter of time.