Chastity belt

Once upon a time, there was this knight, living with his wife and his servants, in his huge castle located somewhere in the countryside. He lived in peace doing what every knight does every day. Due to a war that was imminent, the king sent his messenger for him, asking him to participate.
The knight proudly started packing his stuff but before he left, he put a chastity belt on his wife and trusted the key to his most trust-worthy servant:
- "i trust you with the key of the chastity belt of my wife. If you won't hear from me for one year, that means that i will be dead so give her the key and let her marry someone else. She is free."
After that, the knight rided his horse and left for the King's castle.
Half an hour later he turned back and saw someone trying to catch up with him.
- "Master Master!!!" his servant said... "Master.... you gave me the wrong key!!!"

Desparate husbands

Confesions of a desparate husband :

"My wife is always on a diet.
She usually starts the next day.. Once she looses 5 pounds she feels proud of herself but then she starts having candy snacks again and oooops.. the weight is on a limit-up course.
She once decided to go to a doctor and ask for advice.
The following conversation is real and took place at the doctor's office:
Wife : "Please doctor.. tell me.. how can i loose weight?"
Doctor : "It's very easy. With a little practice you will loose weight easily. I will show you the number one exercise every diet should include:

You will turn your head from the left side to the right..
then from the right side to your left..
then again to the right and so on"

Wife : "Sound like an easy one. And how often should i do this exercise?"
Doctor : "Whenever someone offers you food and until he takes that food away from your reach"

Blondered

At a store, the phone rings and the blonde saleswoman answers it:
- "Hello, blah-blah Shoe store, how can we help you?"
and the female voice fron the other side of the line
- "Sorry, wrong number"
- "No harm madam, you can come by from 9 am to 9 pm every day and pick the number that fits your size"



A husband is working at his office when the phone rings. At the other side of the line it's his blonde wife, crying her eyes out :
- "Oh George... i am so unhappy... i feel so bad"
- "What's the matter honey? What troubles you?"
- "I try to complete that puzzle with this damn rooster that is shown on the box but in vain. Three hours now George... but no success"
- "Ok honey. Calm down and do me a favor please. Leave it for the time being and we will complete it together when i 'll come home allright?
- "Ok"
....
.......after five hours, husband returns home... blonde wife is waiting anxiously
- "Honeyyyy, i am hooooooome. So where is that puzzle that troubled you so much? Bring it on and we will..... OH! errrrr It's ok dear. We will put the corn flakes back on their box and we won't tell anyone about it.. ok?"

Bald people

Two friends are talking while having their coffee
- "I feel bad when i see bald people" says the one
- "Why?" asks the other, "Are you afraid of becoming one of them?"
- "Nope. It's because i have a comb factory"

Electronic weight monitor

A very fat man steps on his new electronic bathroom scales and while he waits for his weight to be displayed on the led screen, the following message is displayed :
"Only one at a time please"

Nightmare

Two friends are talking:
"Yesterday i had a terrible nightmare :-("
"What did you see?"
"I saw that i was eating spaggeti"
"...and why this, should be considered a nightmare?"
"'Cause when i woke up in the morning, my shoelaces where missing!!"

More funny jokes anyone? :-)

A peasant bought a young rooster for his chicken-run. The old rooster warns him:
- "You can have every hen you want except that hen over there. She is Mine!"
The young rooster proudly replies:
- "No way dude, they are all MINE!"
- "Then we will race." says the old rooster; "We will run until that pile of dung and the winner will have all the hens available ok?"
- "Ok" says the young rooster and the race begins.
Both roosters start to run but the older one, although he was ahead of the race, starts loosing ground as the younger one puts more effort and accelerates.
Suddently there's a shot in the air and the young rooster drops dead!
The peasant lowers his riffle while it still smokes from the shot and wonders:
- "Weird! that's the third homosexual rooster this week"

Pirates on payroll

Two film producers decide to make a film about Pirates.
They are filming the last scene where a big battle is taking place.
The first producer turns anxiously to the other one and says to him:
- "OK, everything's fine but after all this gun powder and the shooting, we will have to pay 500 actors. Did you think of that? Who's gonna pay all these actors???"
- "Don't worry" says the other producer, " in the last battle we'll use real ammo!"

Spell CheckeR

A teacher, while on his way to the bathroom, sees another teacher writing with a marker pen, on the wall of a bathroom.
Surprised, he asked :
- I cannot believe my eyes! You write on the walls too???
- Ah! No... no i'm not. I just correct the spelling of the student who wrote here previously.

Strange math

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?"asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said_ '6'," replies TONY.__
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me_ 'How much is 3x2?' "
"What's the ****ing difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

Car service crew

(Real story)

At the car-shop, one of the service crew to the "lucky" customer :

I couldn't repair your brakes so i made your horn sound louder!