Voices in my head

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. Even at night, he could find no solace, and turned fitfully in frustrating attempts to fall asleep.



But, every once in a while, he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him -

"HOWARD, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. YOU AREN'T THE FIRST DOCTOR TO SLEEP WITH ONE OF HIS PATIENTS, AND YOU WON'T BE THE LAST!!"

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But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality -

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"HOWARD! COME ON. YOU'RE A VETERINARIAN"

Slip into something comfortable for the IRS

A Jewish debtor, called in for an audit at the IRS (International Revenue Service), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."



Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."



Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.



"Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.



The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"



The rabbi answered: "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

Sorry blogger

We are sorry for the error that occured earlier at blogger but i am afraid this will happen again

So backup your work ladies and gentlemen 'cause there is going to be lots of lol bouncing coming up ;-)

Castaway

A hurricane came unexpectedly.

The ship went down and was lost.

The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no
supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas,drank coconut juice and longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.
In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."

He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"

Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said.

After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat.
Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it's end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically
positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"You mean--?" he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"

Alumni nowadays

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT,
- "What starting salary were you thinking about?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Made in Japan

There was a Japanese who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.



During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the Japanese leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"



The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for

quite a number of cars.



Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.

The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"



Thereupon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

Dirty mind

A woman answers the door to a market researcher. "Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"

- "Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."

- "Do you use it for anything else?"

- "Like what?"

- "Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."

- "Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids out."

Windows messages you computer could show on screen

1.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3.Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5.This will end your Windows session. Do you want to
play another game?
6.Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now?
(Y/Y)"
7.This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the
world. Please log off."
8.To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"
9.BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
10.COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and
press any key.
11.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
12.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
13.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
14.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
15.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL
& PAPER.SYS)
16.User Error: Replace user.
17.Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it?
(Y/N)"
18.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software
titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

50 of life's mysteries which would not be solved if you did not watch TV

1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
 noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a
 passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit
 level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the
 control tower to talk you down.
6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No
 one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to
 any other part of the building without difficulty.
8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake
 of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.
9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not
 be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
11. People on TV never finish their drinks.
12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
  will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
13. The chief of police is always black.
14. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a
  note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be
  the exact fare.
15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by
  15cm.
16. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night,
  you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
17. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a
  strip club at least once.
18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family
  every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to
  eat them.
19. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
20. Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man
  invulnerable to bullets.
21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a
 football stadium.
22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just
  relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
24. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an
  object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost
  this technology.
25. All single women have a cat.
26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
27. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to
  turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few
  moments.
28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all
  than 20 men firing at one.
29. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely
 investigated.
30. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by
  frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cutting - especially if
  any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
32. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved
  martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by
  one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked
  out their predecessor.
33. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person
  you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to
  their back.
34. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room
  will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
35. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
36. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
  they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
37. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
  other.
38. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage
  despite laying entire cities to waste.
39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity
  system is never damaged.
40. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a
  thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in
  the vicinity.
41. You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.
42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
  arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley
  systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow
  their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
43. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's
  eighth birthday.
44. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions
  can be played without moving the fingers.
45. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
  readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
46. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are
  visiting.
47. Guns are like disposable razers - if you run out of bullets, just
  throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
48. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
49. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
  duty.
50. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into
  will know all the steps.

The Irishmen and the lightbulb

Q: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Twentyone. One to hold the bulb, and twenty to drink until the room spins.

Indian maths

The chief of an Indian tribe in Western Nebraska was faced with a dilemma.
He had three daughters.
The oldest was one of the most beautiful women who ever lived. She was smart as well as beautiful.
The second daughter was also very beautiful, but not as striking as the first.
The third was very, very plain. (The tribe was a group of Plains Indians.)
There were three young Indian warriors vying for the affections of the chief's daughters. To solve the dilemma and get his daughters married, the chief proposed that the three Indian braves go out into the forest and return with evidence of their hunting prowess.

All three braves agreed.

The first Indian, the best warrior and hunter in the tribe, immediately spotted a ferocious mountain lion. Taking his bow and arrow, he shot the lion, skinned it and returned to camp with the pelt. The chief was impressed, and asked the young warrior if he wanted to marry his oldest, most beautiful, most accomplished daughter. The brave replied that he did. The chief said, "Take your lion skin to your tepee, lay it on the ground, and my daughter will join you. Then you may consummate your
marriage, and tomorrow, with all the rites and traditions of the tribe, I shall perform the sacred marriage ceremony." The young Indian did as he was directed.

The second Indian, not as lucky as the first, took two days to find prey worth shooting to prove his hunting prowess. He spotted a bear. He shot it with his bow and arrow, skinned it, and returned to camp with the bearskin. The chief was impressed, and he asked him if he wanted to marry his second daughter. The brave replied that he did. The chief said, "Take the bearskin to your tepee, lay the pelt on the ground, and my daughter will join you. Then you may consummate your marriage, and tomorrow, in all the rites and traditions of our tribe, I shall perform the sacred marriage ceremony." The Indian did as he was directed.

The third Indian was, to be frank, a bumbling, inept fool. He was no warrior, he couldn't hunt, and he could barely build a fire. He had been a failure at "Indianing" since anyone could remember. He went out to the forest, but couldn't find a lion or bear. Finally, he did manage to find a sleeping hippopotamus wallowing in the river. (Probably an escaped hippopotamus from the circus or zoo, to explain its presence in western Nebraska.) He shot it, skinned it, and brought the hippo skin back to camp. The chief was impressed, and he realized that although this was no fierce forest animal, the young brave had fulfilled his hunting obligation.
"Would you like to marry my third, plain daughter?" the chief asked. The brave replied that he did. "Take the hippo skin to your tepee, lay it on the ground, and my daughter will join you and you may consummate your marriage. Tomorrow, with all the rites and traditions of the tribe, I shall perform the sacred marriage ceremony." And the young brave followed instructions.

Oh, wonder of wonders! Nine months later, three wonderful events occurred.
The first Indian brave and his beautiful wife had a baby boy.
The second Indian brave and his beautiful wife had a baby boy.
But the bumbling Indian who was good at nothing, and his plain wife, who wasn't much better, had twin boys!
The tribe was amazed, none more than the chief, because twins portended something special in Indian folklore, and nobody could understand how this had happened to the third daughter and the third brave.
Finally the chief gathered the people around him and said, "I believe I know the reason for this mighty and wonderful event.
Remember, ... the sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides."

Honeymoon couple

A couple were on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,
- "I have a confession to make - I had a relationship before i met you."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been engaged with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"David Sawndermann."
"David Sawndermann, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"David Sawndermann, the world's No1 Golf Champion????"
"Yes dear."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you were with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" says the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food."

"David wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would David do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" she says.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."

"David wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would David do then?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling David Sawndermann to find out what's par for this hole!!!"

Darn 30th floor

Two friends had to carry a piano by the stairs to the 30th floor of a skyscraper because the piano was bigger than what the elevator could fit. When they reached the 30th floor, they took a little brake to catch up with their breath. They stared the view outside the big window for a while.
- "I have two good news and a bad one"
- "tell me"
- "The first one is that we finally reached the 30th floor"
- "What's the other?"
- "The second one is that the view from up here is great"
- "... and the bad news?"
- "You see that 30th floor of that scyscraper over there?"
- "Yeap.. so?"
- "That's where the piano should have gone!"