Books you will never find in a book store

You will never find these books in a book store (either used or new :-p)

- 124 Simple Exercises For the Teeth
- A Complete List Of All the Things That Are Still Pending
- A Hundred Dead People Nobody Misses
- A List Of People Who Mean Well
- A Treasury Of Poorly Understood Ideas
- Backpacking For Shut-ins
- Caring For the Seated
- Controlling Fear Without Getting Frightened
- Cooking With Heat
- Don't Throw Away Your Old Skin
- Eat, Run, Stay Fit, and Die Anyway
- Famous Bullcrap Stories
- Famous People Who Were Wiry
- Fill Your Life With Croutons
- How To Become a Grease Ball
- How To Do Everything At Once
- How To Filet a Panda
- How To Get a Tan With a Flashlight
- How To Get Back From Boston
- How To Give a King a Really Hard Time
- How To Give People Your Best Regards
- How To Give Yourself a Complete Physical Without Getting Undressed
- How To Kill a Rat With an Oboe
- How To Lease Out the Space Inside Your Nose
- How To Organize a Tupperware Gang-Bang
- How To Seem Intelligent
- How To Spoil Other People's Fun
- How To Spot a Creep From a Distance
- How To Spot Truly Vicious People in Church
- How To Start a Range War
- How To Turn Unbearable Pain Into Extra Income
- How To Wave Good-bye Without Moving Your Arms
- I Gave Up Hope and Died and It Worked
- I Suck You Suck
- Let's Change the Alphabet
- Marriage For One
- My Dog Is a Real Fruit
- Peace Of Mind By Losing Complete Control For Sixteen Hours a Day
- Poems For the Insane
- Re-organizing Your Pockets
- Rid Yourself Of Doubt--Or Should You?
- Self Mutilation as an attention getter
- Six Cities No One Has Ever Been To
- Six Ways To "do" it before breakfast
- Sixty-four Good Reasons For Giving Up Hope
- Sport Fishing With Power Saws
- Ten Things We Don't Know Yet
- The Complete List Of Everyone's Personal Affects
- The Food Coloring Diet
- The Intravenous Cookbook
- The Meaning Of Corn
- The Stains In Your Shorts Can Indicate Your Future
- The Wrong Underwear Can Kill
- There's Big Money In Staying Put
- Things No One Can Help
- Tremble Your Way To Fitness
- Trotting Across Zaire
- Understanding People You'll Never Meet
- What To Wear On the Toilet
- Why Hawaii and Norway Are Not Near Each Other
- Why It Doesn't Snow Anymore
- Why Jews Point
- You Give Me Six Weeks and I'll Give You Some Disease
- Your old Shoes Are Worth Money
- Your Thighs Control Your Life

Pilot joke : The two rules of flight

(This was an intercepted conversation between two pilots : a rookie and a senior pilot while trying to catch up with my Las Vegas - Nevada flight)


Rule #1 : Captain is always right.

Rule #2 : If Captain is wrong ... see Rule #1

Sleezy day dream : Sex and The GirL

I met this beautiful girl last night.

She invited me back to her place and we had the greatest steamiest sex ever.

Actually, it wasn't really the *greatest* sex ever,
it was more like medium-great sex, and well, she didn't exactly invite me back to her place, I sort of followed her home to her apartment.

To be factual, we didn't actually have sex per se, but we came very close.
You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely...
well, actually, I was fondling her, she wasn't fondling me...
well, really, I wasn't actually *fondling* her,
our bodies just got very close together.

To be honest, I just sort of brushed into her.

Accidentally.

But it was great, really hot and sensual you know?

Actually, to be specific, it wasn't really her that I brushed into,
it was actually the back of the chair she was sitting in.

Although, the chair was...
on the other side of a wall you see...in another room sort of.
And I was sort of leaning on the wall,
but the chair was very close to the wall, very close.
Of course, she was on the third floor and I was sort of...on the street...leaning against the building.

But wow!

What a night!

What a night!!!

Famous Last Words

- "Oh my God!"
- "Jesus Christ!"
- "I know Bob said it looks like real dynamite."
- "Of course it's sturdy."
- "The pin was in there seven seconds ago." (note: grenades go off after eight seconds)
- "What truck?"
- "What could go wrong?"
- "Oops..."
- "I think I turned it off."
- "I'm bwot dwunk."
- "What does this button do?"
- "Do you smell smoke?"
- "Aaaaiieeeeeeee!!!"
- "Auggh!"
- "Oh sh-"
- "Don't worry. It's not loaded."
- "All right, sir, I won't tell you the building is on fire."
- "It's perfectly safe."
- "Welcome [hic] aboard. This is [hic] your, um, captain. [hic]"
- "We'll be fine."
- "I've done this opperation twice already!"
- "Why, the next time I see that axe murderer...."
- "Whoops, I dropped my wallet on the trackes..."
- "Where's my parachute?"
- "No! Not THAT button!"
- "Daddy, what happens if my foot is stuck in the escalator?"
- "I can't swim!"
- "I have complete confidence that Joe can stop them... Oh, hi Joe."
- "Where's my pet tarantula?"
- "What are you going to do, kill me?"
- "I' ll dive anyway. A couple of cookies just a few minutes ago won't harm"
- "Cover me!"
- "Cut the green wire!"
- "Wow, honey... Are you fat or what?!"
- "Ah... ooooh.... aaaahhh.. oohhhhhhh.. Bett.. errr Susan"
- "Nice doggie"
- "Don't worry; The ice is thick enough"
- "Is that snake poisonous?"
- "I wonder if i can speed up to 160 mph"
- "Hmmm... best before 31/12/1980..."
- "Relax... I've done this before."
- "...feels better now.."
- "...i'll volunteer for that circus lion trick"
- "3, 2, 1, bungeeeeeeeeee...."
- "what a beautiful baby bear.. i wonder where it's mother is.."
- "Watch this..."
- "What's that priest doing here?"
- "Of course it's a bulletproof vest. Just shoot me and you see for yourself"
- "Looks good to me..."
- "You won't get me alive"
- "You wouldn't dare!"
- "I have read that this tribe stopped being cannibals a few decades ago"
- "Don't worry... that needle was sterilized"
- "What's this thorn on the back of that strange fish?"
Latest additions :
"That meal - there wasn't by any chance peanuts in it were there?"
(submitted by my e-Friend Thought 4 the Day)