Voices in my head

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. Even at night, he could find no solace, and turned fitfully in frustrating attempts to fall asleep.



But, every once in a while, he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him -

"HOWARD, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. YOU AREN'T THE FIRST DOCTOR TO SLEEP WITH ONE OF HIS PATIENTS, AND YOU WON'T BE THE LAST!!"

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But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality -

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"HOWARD! COME ON. YOU'RE A VETERINARIAN"

Slip into something comfortable for the IRS

A Jewish debtor, called in for an audit at the IRS (International Revenue Service), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."



Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."



Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.



"Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.



The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"



The rabbi answered: "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

Sorry blogger

We are sorry for the error that occured earlier at blogger but i am afraid this will happen again

So backup your work ladies and gentlemen 'cause there is going to be lots of lol bouncing coming up ;-)

Castaway

A hurricane came unexpectedly.

The ship went down and was lost.

The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no
supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas,drank coconut juice and longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.
In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."

He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"

Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said.

After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat.
Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it's end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically
positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"You mean--?" he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"

Alumni nowadays

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT,
- "What starting salary were you thinking about?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Made in Japan

There was a Japanese who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.



During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the Japanese leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"



The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for

quite a number of cars.



Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.

The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"



Thereupon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

Dirty mind

A woman answers the door to a market researcher. "Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"

- "Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."

- "Do you use it for anything else?"

- "Like what?"

- "Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."

- "Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids out."

Windows messages you computer could show on screen

1.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3.Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5.This will end your Windows session. Do you want to
play another game?
6.Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now?
(Y/Y)"
7.This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the
world. Please log off."
8.To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"
9.BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
10.COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and
press any key.
11.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
12.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
13.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
14.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
15.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL
& PAPER.SYS)
16.User Error: Replace user.
17.Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it?
(Y/N)"
18.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software
titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

50 of life's mysteries which would not be solved if you did not watch TV

1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
 noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a
 passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit
 level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the
 control tower to talk you down.
6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No
 one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to
 any other part of the building without difficulty.
8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake
 of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.
9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not
 be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
11. People on TV never finish their drinks.
12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
  will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
13. The chief of police is always black.
14. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a
  note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be
  the exact fare.
15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by
  15cm.
16. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night,
  you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
17. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a
  strip club at least once.
18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family
  every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to
  eat them.
19. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
20. Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man
  invulnerable to bullets.
21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a
 football stadium.
22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just
  relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
24. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an
  object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost
  this technology.
25. All single women have a cat.
26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
27. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to
  turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few
  moments.
28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all
  than 20 men firing at one.
29. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely
 investigated.
30. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by
  frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cutting - especially if
  any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
32. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved
  martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by
  one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked
  out their predecessor.
33. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person
  you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to
  their back.
34. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room
  will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
35. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
36. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
  they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
37. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
  other.
38. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage
  despite laying entire cities to waste.
39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity
  system is never damaged.
40. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a
  thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in
  the vicinity.
41. You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.
42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
  arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley
  systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow
  their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
43. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's
  eighth birthday.
44. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions
  can be played without moving the fingers.
45. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
  readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
46. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are
  visiting.
47. Guns are like disposable razers - if you run out of bullets, just
  throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
48. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
49. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
  duty.
50. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into
  will know all the steps.

The Irishmen and the lightbulb

Q: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Twentyone. One to hold the bulb, and twenty to drink until the room spins.

Indian maths

The chief of an Indian tribe in Western Nebraska was faced with a dilemma.
He had three daughters.
The oldest was one of the most beautiful women who ever lived. She was smart as well as beautiful.
The second daughter was also very beautiful, but not as striking as the first.
The third was very, very plain. (The tribe was a group of Plains Indians.)
There were three young Indian warriors vying for the affections of the chief's daughters. To solve the dilemma and get his daughters married, the chief proposed that the three Indian braves go out into the forest and return with evidence of their hunting prowess.

All three braves agreed.

The first Indian, the best warrior and hunter in the tribe, immediately spotted a ferocious mountain lion. Taking his bow and arrow, he shot the lion, skinned it and returned to camp with the pelt. The chief was impressed, and asked the young warrior if he wanted to marry his oldest, most beautiful, most accomplished daughter. The brave replied that he did. The chief said, "Take your lion skin to your tepee, lay it on the ground, and my daughter will join you. Then you may consummate your
marriage, and tomorrow, with all the rites and traditions of the tribe, I shall perform the sacred marriage ceremony." The young Indian did as he was directed.

The second Indian, not as lucky as the first, took two days to find prey worth shooting to prove his hunting prowess. He spotted a bear. He shot it with his bow and arrow, skinned it, and returned to camp with the bearskin. The chief was impressed, and he asked him if he wanted to marry his second daughter. The brave replied that he did. The chief said, "Take the bearskin to your tepee, lay the pelt on the ground, and my daughter will join you. Then you may consummate your marriage, and tomorrow, in all the rites and traditions of our tribe, I shall perform the sacred marriage ceremony." The Indian did as he was directed.

The third Indian was, to be frank, a bumbling, inept fool. He was no warrior, he couldn't hunt, and he could barely build a fire. He had been a failure at "Indianing" since anyone could remember. He went out to the forest, but couldn't find a lion or bear. Finally, he did manage to find a sleeping hippopotamus wallowing in the river. (Probably an escaped hippopotamus from the circus or zoo, to explain its presence in western Nebraska.) He shot it, skinned it, and brought the hippo skin back to camp. The chief was impressed, and he realized that although this was no fierce forest animal, the young brave had fulfilled his hunting obligation.
"Would you like to marry my third, plain daughter?" the chief asked. The brave replied that he did. "Take the hippo skin to your tepee, lay it on the ground, and my daughter will join you and you may consummate your marriage. Tomorrow, with all the rites and traditions of the tribe, I shall perform the sacred marriage ceremony." And the young brave followed instructions.

Oh, wonder of wonders! Nine months later, three wonderful events occurred.
The first Indian brave and his beautiful wife had a baby boy.
The second Indian brave and his beautiful wife had a baby boy.
But the bumbling Indian who was good at nothing, and his plain wife, who wasn't much better, had twin boys!
The tribe was amazed, none more than the chief, because twins portended something special in Indian folklore, and nobody could understand how this had happened to the third daughter and the third brave.
Finally the chief gathered the people around him and said, "I believe I know the reason for this mighty and wonderful event.
Remember, ... the sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides."

Honeymoon couple

A couple were on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,
- "I have a confession to make - I had a relationship before i met you."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been engaged with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"David Sawndermann."
"David Sawndermann, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"David Sawndermann, the world's No1 Golf Champion????"
"Yes dear."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you were with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" says the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food."

"David wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would David do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" she says.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."

"David wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would David do then?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling David Sawndermann to find out what's par for this hole!!!"

Darn 30th floor

Two friends had to carry a piano by the stairs to the 30th floor of a skyscraper because the piano was bigger than what the elevator could fit. When they reached the 30th floor, they took a little brake to catch up with their breath. They stared the view outside the big window for a while.
- "I have two good news and a bad one"
- "tell me"
- "The first one is that we finally reached the 30th floor"
- "What's the other?"
- "The second one is that the view from up here is great"
- "... and the bad news?"
- "You see that 30th floor of that scyscraper over there?"
- "Yeap.. so?"
- "That's where the piano should have gone!"

Chastity belt

Once upon a time, there was this knight, living with his wife and his servants, in his huge castle located somewhere in the countryside. He lived in peace doing what every knight does every day. Due to a war that was imminent, the king sent his messenger for him, asking him to participate.
The knight proudly started packing his stuff but before he left, he put a chastity belt on his wife and trusted the key to his most trust-worthy servant:
- "i trust you with the key of the chastity belt of my wife. If you won't hear from me for one year, that means that i will be dead so give her the key and let her marry someone else. She is free."
After that, the knight rided his horse and left for the King's castle.
Half an hour later he turned back and saw someone trying to catch up with him.
- "Master Master!!!" his servant said... "Master.... you gave me the wrong key!!!"

Desparate husbands

Confesions of a desparate husband :

"My wife is always on a diet.
She usually starts the next day.. Once she looses 5 pounds she feels proud of herself but then she starts having candy snacks again and oooops.. the weight is on a limit-up course.
She once decided to go to a doctor and ask for advice.
The following conversation is real and took place at the doctor's office:
Wife : "Please doctor.. tell me.. how can i loose weight?"
Doctor : "It's very easy. With a little practice you will loose weight easily. I will show you the number one exercise every diet should include:

You will turn your head from the left side to the right..
then from the right side to your left..
then again to the right and so on"

Wife : "Sound like an easy one. And how often should i do this exercise?"
Doctor : "Whenever someone offers you food and until he takes that food away from your reach"

Blondered

At a store, the phone rings and the blonde saleswoman answers it:
- "Hello, blah-blah Shoe store, how can we help you?"
and the female voice fron the other side of the line
- "Sorry, wrong number"
- "No harm madam, you can come by from 9 am to 9 pm every day and pick the number that fits your size"



A husband is working at his office when the phone rings. At the other side of the line it's his blonde wife, crying her eyes out :
- "Oh George... i am so unhappy... i feel so bad"
- "What's the matter honey? What troubles you?"
- "I try to complete that puzzle with this damn rooster that is shown on the box but in vain. Three hours now George... but no success"
- "Ok honey. Calm down and do me a favor please. Leave it for the time being and we will complete it together when i 'll come home allright?
- "Ok"
....
.......after five hours, husband returns home... blonde wife is waiting anxiously
- "Honeyyyy, i am hooooooome. So where is that puzzle that troubled you so much? Bring it on and we will..... OH! errrrr It's ok dear. We will put the corn flakes back on their box and we won't tell anyone about it.. ok?"

Bald people

Two friends are talking while having their coffee
- "I feel bad when i see bald people" says the one
- "Why?" asks the other, "Are you afraid of becoming one of them?"
- "Nope. It's because i have a comb factory"

Electronic weight monitor

A very fat man steps on his new electronic bathroom scales and while he waits for his weight to be displayed on the led screen, the following message is displayed :
"Only one at a time please"

Nightmare

Two friends are talking:
"Yesterday i had a terrible nightmare :-("
"What did you see?"
"I saw that i was eating spaggeti"
"...and why this, should be considered a nightmare?"
"'Cause when i woke up in the morning, my shoelaces where missing!!"

More funny jokes anyone? :-)

A peasant bought a young rooster for his chicken-run. The old rooster warns him:
- "You can have every hen you want except that hen over there. She is Mine!"
The young rooster proudly replies:
- "No way dude, they are all MINE!"
- "Then we will race." says the old rooster; "We will run until that pile of dung and the winner will have all the hens available ok?"
- "Ok" says the young rooster and the race begins.
Both roosters start to run but the older one, although he was ahead of the race, starts loosing ground as the younger one puts more effort and accelerates.
Suddently there's a shot in the air and the young rooster drops dead!
The peasant lowers his riffle while it still smokes from the shot and wonders:
- "Weird! that's the third homosexual rooster this week"

Pirates on payroll

Two film producers decide to make a film about Pirates.
They are filming the last scene where a big battle is taking place.
The first producer turns anxiously to the other one and says to him:
- "OK, everything's fine but after all this gun powder and the shooting, we will have to pay 500 actors. Did you think of that? Who's gonna pay all these actors???"
- "Don't worry" says the other producer, " in the last battle we'll use real ammo!"

Spell CheckeR

A teacher, while on his way to the bathroom, sees another teacher writing with a marker pen, on the wall of a bathroom.
Surprised, he asked :
- I cannot believe my eyes! You write on the walls too???
- Ah! No... no i'm not. I just correct the spelling of the student who wrote here previously.

Strange math

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?"asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said_ '6'," replies TONY.__
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me_ 'How much is 3x2?' "
"What's the ****ing difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

Car service crew

(Real story)

At the car-shop, one of the service crew to the "lucky" customer :

I couldn't repair your brakes so i made your horn sound louder!

Skiing gear

A guy at a store that sells skiing gear
Client : Hello sir, do you sell skiing gear?
Salesman : Yes sir, we have everything about skiing
Client : I would like a crutch

Australian Travel Agencies answering strange questions from customers all over the world (real Q&A)

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific, which doesn't... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Insects and their sex

The wife enters the kitchen and sees her husband holding a fly whisk
Wife : "What are you doing?"
Husband : "I'm Killing flies"
Wife : "Any success so far?"
Husband : "Yeap, three males and two females"
Wife : "? How did you tell their sex ??"
Husband : "Three flies were standing over my open beer can and two were standing on the phone."

Walking is good for you...

- Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where she is.

- The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

- I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

- I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

- I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

- The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

- And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Misc

A banana to the vibrator : Why are you shaking? At least you don't get eaten in the end!

How do you call a bisexual polar bear?
.
.
bipolar



- Mom? Now that i am 16, can i wear bra?
- No, Jason

@ work ;-)

We eavesdrop outside the manager's office
and we hear the flirtatious voice of his secretary

- Oh please don't touch me...
- Oh please don't touch...
- Oh please don't...
- Oh pleeeease...
- Oooooh...

Pet Diary

A Dog's Diary:



8 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!

10 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!

11 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!

12 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!

1 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!

3 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!

4 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!

5 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!

7 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

10 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping on the bed! My favorite!





A Cat's Diary:



Day 283 of my captivity



My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.



Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded -- must try this at the top of the stairs.



In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors I induced one of my feline compatriots after eating to vomit on the carpet. When this failed to achieve the desired effect I decided to consume the vomit to further their repulsion. Not only was I unsuccessful, but the taste remains in my mouth.



There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.



The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.



For now I wait, it is only a matter of time.

One of the sweetest puppies i have ever seen!!

One of the cuttest puppies ever seen! Still has some milk on it's muzzle.

The testicles

A patient goes to the doctor :
Patient : "I have a big problem, doc"
Doctor : "Tell me about it.."
Patient : "My problem is that i have two rather unusual testicles : a wooden and an iron one. They have become the reason that i constantly face problems with my wife and my two kids"
Doctor rather surprised: "What?? You have an iron ball and a wooden ball and.. and you have kids???"
Patient : " Errrr.. yes"
Doctor : "..and how old are your kids?"
Patient : "Pinokio is six and Robocop is 25"

Mob Kid

The little kid returns home from school in tears
Father : "Why are you crying, son?"
Kid while crying his eyes out: " It's because of all those kids in school. They keep teasing me all the time and they call me mafia and godfather"
Father : "Ok son, stop crying. I will come to your school and deal with this issue myself, as soon as possible"
Kid : "Allright, but make it look like an accident, ok?"

The $$$,$$$,$$$ question...

How do they answer their phone????

Funnies ;-)

- What's a louse having on the head of a bold?
- first withdrawal symptoms






The guide to drive your wife nuts :
- lock her in a room with 100 expensive hats and no mirror!

Top funniest goals ever scored!

Sex laws on different territories

01. In Lebanon, it's legal for men to have sex with animals only if those animals' sex is female. Having sex with male animals is punished by Death!
02. In Bahrain, a doctor is allowed to examine the sexual organs of a woman but it is forbidden to look straight to that area been inspected. Instead, the doctor can use a mirror and examine the reflection of the sexual area.
03. Muslims are forbidden to look to the sexual organs of a dead. The grave diggers in particular are ordered to cover the sexual area of the dead with a brick or a piece of wood.
04. In Indonesia, the punishment for masturbation is decapitation
05. In Guam, there are men who their occupation is to travel to villages and have sex with young virgin women. Those young women pay the men for the privilege to have
sex with them for their first time. The reason is that , according to the law of Guam, it is illegal for a virgin girl to get married.
06. In Hong Kong a cheated wife has the legal right to kill the cheater husband but only with her bare hands. On the other hand, the mistress of the cheater husband can be killed by any other way.
07. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool but only in stores that sell tropical fish
08. In Kali, Colombia a woman can have sex with her husband but for her first time, her mother must be present as well to verify the sexual action!!!
09. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sexual relationship with both a woman and her daughter at the same time.
10. In Marylanf it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines in areas where alcohol isn't served.

A philologist is giving a lecture where after a long speech he ends saying:
- There are many languages in the world where two negatives make an affirmative. There are also many languages in the world where two negatives make a negative. But, there aren't any languages in the workd where two affirmatives make a negative!

....and a voice from the back of the audience :

-Yeah, right!

One of the funniest commercials i have ever seen

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB!!

Put about 100 bricks in no particular order in a closed room with an open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyse the situation.
If they are counting the bricks : Put them in the accounts department.
If they are recounting them : Put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks : Put them in engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strangeorder : Put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other : Put them in operations.
If they are sleeping : Put them in reception
If they have broken the bricks into pieces : Put them in information technology.
If they are sitting idle : Put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved : Put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day : Put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the window : Put them on strategic planning.
And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved :
..........Congratulate them and put them in top management!

Teachers these days...

A teacher in junior school somewhere... asked the children what was the occupation of their parents

Teacher: George, how old are you?
George : i am 7 years old, miss
Teacher: ..and what is the occupation of your father?
George : he is a dentist, miss
Teacher: ... and what is the occupation of your mother?
George : She is a lawyer, miss
Teacher: Excellent, George.

Teacher kept asking the children, when it was the time for little Susan to answer her teacher's question.
Susan looked a little scaried.

Teacher: And you little Susan
Susan : Yes miss
Teacher: What is the occupation of your father?
Susan : well...
Teacher: ?
Susan : ..he.. he.. he is..
Teacher: ???
Susan : He is working in the post office, delivering mail..
Teacher: Come on Susan, we must be proud of our parent's job. You there little Nick, what's your father's occupation?

Nick stood up, full of pride and replied :
- My father is a pianist in a brothel, miss

Teacher's eyes "poped out"! She turned red and told the children that they were dismissed.

Later in the afternoon, she decided to go to the child's parents and talk with them about this incident!

She knocked the door.

Little Nick's father answered.

The teacher took a deep breath and talked :
Teacher : Hello i am Miss Green, your son's teacher. I am sorry to bother you but i have a small problem with your son Nick. Earlier today, in the classroom when i asked the children what was their parent's occupation, your son PROUDLY replied that you work as a pianist in a brothel. What do you have to say about this????

Nick's Father : Well Miss Green, here's how it goes: I am a software engineer on Object oriented languages like C#, .Net, Java. I develop applications for the web using PHP and Unix and i am a database administrator in our Production System that uses Oracle Database 10g. I work with ABAP and Corba as well and i do reports in Business Objects for a company that is, well, preposterous.

Teacher : So?

Nick's Father : So, how do you explain that to a 7 years old kid???

Innovative way to turn your PC into an oven!

We are considering a USB interface so please support our research >:-)

Instantly fix mouse problems with this little tip

Are you facing mouse problems? Solve them instantly with this little mouse trick :

Left Click on number 8 and drag it to number 1. The area you will cross with your mouse, contains a script to fix your mouse device instantly. Just try it

80 to 100 was until recently the average IQ scale for humans, but since you believed that your mouse will be fixed with this trick - congrats :-) your IQ was demoted to 1

Imigration...

   4 chinese, Chu, Bu, Fu and Su decided to emmigrate to the US.
In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American Standards.
So, Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck.

Fu and his sister Su decided to stay in China....

Test your parking skills

You are given the opportunity, to proove to the world how well you park your car (a Peugeot 107)

Click here and report back your score :-)

Challenge : Decrypt the encrypted message

1.
-----------------------
HISTORY
HISTORY
HISTORY
HISTORY
----------------------

2.
ISSUE ISSUE ISSUE ISSUE ISSUE ISSUE ISSUE ISSUE ISSUE ISSUE

3.
--------------------------
0
--------------------------
BSc,MSc,Phd
--------------------------

4.
YOUJUSTME

5.
-----------------------
GROUND
-----------------------
FEET
FEET
FEET
FEET
FEET
FEET
----------------------

6.
MILLONEION









Answers :
--------------------
1) History repeats itself

2) Tennis shoes (ten issues)

3) Three degrees below zero

4) Just Between you and me

5) Six feet underground

6) Οne in a million

LEFT BRAIN/RIGHT BRAIN

Thought this was another joke, but it's not.
It's one of the strangest things I have ever encountered.
- Left brain, right brain trick. -

While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction and there's nothing you can do about it!!

Law happens

1. Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

2. Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

3. Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

4. Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

5. Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.

6. Bath THEOREM:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

7. LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8. Law of the result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

9. Law of the biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. Theatre rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last

11. Law of coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold

A Human Resource Manager's dilemma

A highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically knocked down by a bus and killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her:
"Before you get settled in," he said, "We have alittle problem...you see, we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"Oh, I see," said the woman. "Can't you just let me in?"
"Well, I'd like to," said St Peter, "But I have higher orders. We' re instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity."
"Actually, I think I'd prefer heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." at which St. Peter put the HR Manager into the downward bound elevator.
As the doors opened in hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course.
In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends - past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.
They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the Country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil, who was actually rather nice, and she had a Wonderful night telling jokes and dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave; everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped intothe elevator.
The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing, which was almost as enjoyable as her day in hell.
At the day's end St Peter returned. "So," he said, "You've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. You must choose between the two."
The woman thought for a second and replied, "Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose hell."
Accordingly, St.Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in adesolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks.
The Devil approached and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stuttered the HR Manager, "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club, and we ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happytime. Now there's just a dirty wasteland of garbage and All my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled.
"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff."

Husband's revenge

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking
too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them!TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.
Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK!
Careful...
... CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?

Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.

You know you always forget to salt them.

Use the salt. USE THE SALT!

T H E S A L T!"


The wife stared at him.
"What the hell is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied,
"I wanted to show you what it feels like
when I am driving with you in the car."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Similar insident reported here as well : http://ouchmytoe.com

and
Andy's Space @ MySpace

Butt Surgerry

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.
She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!

All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything
you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied,
"I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek!"

One of the wisest motos

If sometimes you feel yourself little, useless, offended and depressed,
always remember that you were once the fastest and most victorious sperm
out of hundreds of millions

Jewish Divorces ;-)

Amir calls his son the week before New Year's eve (Hashana) and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister and tell her."

Yitzak, the son calls his sister Alona, who explodes on the phone.
"No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Dad immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there.

I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old Jewish man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay, he says, "they're coming home for New Year's eve and paying their own way."

The revenge of the Husband

You gotta love this guy! This is a true story about a recent Greek wedding
that took place in Astoria, NY.

It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a large wedding with about 600 guests...

At the reception after the wedding, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from Greece, to support
them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his new bride having sex with the best man!!!

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a
couple of minutes, he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here. You people could stay here and celebrate with that @#$@#."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge: Making the bride's parents pay over $92,000 for a 600 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 600 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of a mountain.

Commercial out of this ?
Let's give it a try...

---Elegant wedding reception for 600 family
members and friends.....................................$92,000.
---Wedding photographs commemorating
the occasion....................................................$4,000.
---Deluxe two week honeymoon
accommodations on Mykonos Island.............$10,500.
---The look on everyone's face when they
see the 8x10 glossy
of the bride and the best man having sex........Priceless!

There are some things money can't buy.

Smart Kid

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked,
"Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
"ME."

PEOPLE WONDER WHY THE CALL CENTRE GUYS ARE PAID SO MUCH

......FOR JUST BEING ON THE PHONE. TAKE A LOOK:


1). Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
--------------------------------------------------
2) Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
--------------------------------------------------
3).Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
--------------------------------------------------
4).Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$
--------------------------------------------------
5).Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
--------------------------------------------------
6) Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."
--------------------------------------------------
7). Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer:: "How do you spell that?"
--------------------------------------------------
8). Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."

--------------------------------------------------
9). Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
--------------------------------------------------
10). Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
--------------------------------------------------
11).Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
--------------------------------------------------
12).Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
--------------------------------------------------
13). Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print
document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
--------------------------------------------------
14). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24
hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
--------------------------------------------------
15). Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
--------------------------------------------------
16). A plain computer illeterate guy rings tech support to report that his
computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and
it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is
frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is
an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let
me know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with
NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the
file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he
started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
-------------------------------------------------
17) customer care officer:I need a product identification no: right now and
may I help u in finding it out?
Cust: sure
CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?
Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer?

Osama

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama Bin Laden is still alive,"
Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. All to no avail.

With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI6 for help.

Within minutes, MI6 cabled the White House Chief of Staff with this reply:
"Tell your President he's holding the message upside down."

A real story

Dear friends
I found this real life story very interesting to read. It also broadens your perception of things.


An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem science has with God, the Almighty. He asks one of his new students to stand and.....

Professor: So you believe in God?

Student: Absolutely, sir.

Professor: Is God good?

Student: Sure.

Professor: Is God all-powerful?

Student: Yes.

Professor: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But God didn't. How is this God good then? Hm?

Student: (Silent.)

Professor: You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fellow. Is God good?

Student: Yes.

Professor: Is Satan good?

Student: No

Professor: Where does Satan come from?

Student: From...God..

Professor: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?

Student: Yes.

Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything. Correct?

Student: Yes.

Professor: So who created evil?

Student: (Silent.)

Professor: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don't they?

Student: Yes, sir.

Professor: So, who created them?

Student: (Silent.)

Professor: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and serve the world around you. Tell me, son...Have you ever seen God?

Student: No, sir.

Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your God?

Student: No, sir.

Professor: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelled your God? Have you ever had any sensory perception of God for that matter?

Student: No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.

Professor: Yet you still believe in Him?

Student: Yes.

Professor: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?

Student: Nothing. I only have my faith.

Professor: Yes, faith. And that is the problem science has.

Student: Professor, is there such a thing as heat?

Professor: Yes.

Student: And is there such a thing as cold?

Professor: Yes.

Student: No sir. There isn't.

(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events)

Student: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have any thing called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre)

Student: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?

Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?

Student: You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light.... But, if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and it is called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't. If it were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?

Professor: So what is the point you are making, young man?

Student: Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

Professor: Flawed? Can you explain how?

Student: Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad. God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

Professor: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.

Student: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

Professor: (The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.)

Student: Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavour, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?

(The class is in uproar)

Student: Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor's brain?

(The class breaks out into laughter)

Student: Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's brain, felt it, touched or smelled it?.....No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room is silent. The professor stares at the student)

Professor: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.

Student: That is it, sir.. The link between man & God is FAITH. That is all that keeps things moving & alive.

That young man was ALBERT EINSTEIN.......

Smarties agains

1. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
2. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David,
Hearts - Charlemagne,
Clubs -Alexander,
the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar
3. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
4. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs inthe air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person diedas a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the persondied of natural causes.
5. 'I am.' is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
6. Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.
7. Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you could find the letter a ?
A. One thousand.
8. Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, andlaser printers all have in common.
A. All invented by women.
9. Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
10. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames byropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making thebed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase 'goodnight, sleep tight'.
11 . It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for amonth after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-lawwith all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because theircalendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month or whatwe know today as the honeymoon.
12. In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you hadconsent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyonewanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King who gave them aplacard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. Theplacard had F**K (Fornication Under Consent of the King) onit. Now you know where that word came from.
13. Last but not least: In Scotland, a new game was invented. It wasentitled Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden and thus the word GOLF enteredinto the English language.

Management lesson

Johnny wanted to do a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $1000 dollars if you let me screw you....but the girl said NO.
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....
So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get hispants down.
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......
She said "The bastard used coins"

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

Timbuktu

A poetry contest is taking place in England. There are many participants from all over the world, tv is there and it is also being broadcasted over Sattelite and Radio.
We finally are in the finals where the winning participants are a priest and a bump

The last challenge they have to face is to create a poer in 10 minutes that it will talk about timbuktu
Time starts
they both start to write... 10 minutes pass and the coordinator tells the priest to start reading his poet :
"Please father start reading", and so he does :

"I've been a father all my life. I have no children, have no wife.
I read the Bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu."

Crowd cheers the priest for his excellent poet

The coordinator tells the bump to read his poet and so he does :

"When Tim and I to London went, we found some hookers cheap to rent
They were three, and we were two. So I booked one and Tim booked two."

Differences

Women
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband, the very next morning, that she had to stay at her girlfriend's apartment overnight. So the husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirmed that.

Men
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the next morning, that he had to stay at his friend's apartment overnight. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends. 5 of them
confirmed that he stayed at their apartments that night.
The other 5 claimed that he is still with them.

Funny flash game from cartoon network

Here you will find a beautiful flash game for your spare time http://www.cartoonnetwork.com/games/action/tj/whatsthecatch/game.swf

Enjoy!

Helpdesk stories

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...

******
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note .."
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet.. it's still
on my desk... Sorry...

******
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

******
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill

Gates!

******
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time

I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and
placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't

find it...

******
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah..................Thank you.

******
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

******
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: Okay.
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah..that one does work!

******
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
letter V as in Victor, and the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

******
A customer couldn't get on the Internet:
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

******
Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

******
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screen saver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!


*******
And the winner is...

Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it ?

my big Greek fat Mother!

Phone rings.
GREEK MOTHER (Greek accent) picks up the phone and answers:

Greek Mother: Hello?
Daughter: Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?
Greek Mother: You're going out?
Daughter: Yes.
Greek Mother: With whom?
Daughter: With a friend.
Greek Mother: I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a goodman.
Daughter: I didn't leave him. He left me!
Greek Mother: You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.
Daughter: I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?
Greek Mother: I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.
Daughter: There are lots of things that you did and I don't.
Greek Mother: What are you hinting at?
Daughter: Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids overtonight.
Greek Mother: You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?
Daughter: My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!
Greek Mother: So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?
Daughter: He's not a loser.
Greek Mother: A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children isa loser and a parasite.
Daughter: I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?
Greek Mother: Poor children with such a mother.
Daughter: Such a what?
Greek Mother: With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.
Daughter: ENOUGH !!!
Greek Mother: Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!
Daughter: Now you're worried about the loser?
Greek Mother: Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.
Daughter: Goodbye mother.
Greek Mother: Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
Daughter: I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!
Greek Mother: If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?

Military Wisdom

"WHEN THE PIN IS PULLED, MR. GRENADE IS NOT OUR FRIEND." -US Marine Corps

"IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE, SO ARE YOU." -Infantry Journal

"A SLIPPING GEAR COULD LET YOUR M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER FIRE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. THAT WOULD MAKE YOU QUITE UNPOPULAR IN WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR UNIT." -Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

"IT IS GENERALLY INADVISABLE TO EJECT DIRECTLY OVER THE AREA YOU JUST BOMBED." -US. Air Force manual

"TRY TO LOOK UNIMPORTANT; THE ENEMY MAY BE LOW ON AMMO." -Infantry Journal

"BRAVERY IS BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS YOU'RE AFRAID." -David Hackworth

"IF YOUR ATTACK IS GOING TOO WELL, YOU'RE WALKING INTO AN AMBUSH." - Infantry Journal

"ANY SHIP CAN BE A MINESWEEPER....ONCE." -Anon

"NEVER TELL THE PLATOON SERGEANT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO." - Unknown Marine Recruit

"DON'T DRAW FIRE; IT IRRITATES THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU." -Infantry Journal

"IF YOU SEE A BOMB TECHNICIAN RUNNING, TRY TO KEEP UP WITH HIM." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

Mistakes :)

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
- "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded:
- "You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
- "No" replied the trainee.
- "It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back:
- "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
- "No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
- "Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

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