Anecdote: Revenge of the husband

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

The husband says, "WHAT??"

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond
ear rings.

The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out -- but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

The husband says, "No, no, no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says,
"You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!"

Anecdote: Thief ensnared by stolen pager

LONDON (Reuters) -- A British man trapped the thief who stole his pager by leaving a message saying he had won 500 pounds ($835) in a competition.

David Withers lost the pager when his car was broken into. Builder Justin C.......k, ensnared in the simplest of stings, was fined 150 pounds ($251) for being in possession of stolen property after answering the message.

Withers told reporters: "I was fuming when I found my car had been broken into. I called police and then decided to leave the message. Not long afterwards, my mobile rang and a shady-sounding voice asked about the prize.

"I told him he had won 500 pounds in a church fete and that I had paged him because I did not want to send the money by post.
The police arrested the idiot when he came to collect the prize.
I could not believe anybody would be that stupid."

Source: CNN

Anecdote: NEW VIRUS WARNING

If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it.

This is the most dangerous Email virus yet.

It will re-write your hard drive.
Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.
It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles .
It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number.
It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over.
It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.
Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile.
It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.
It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole.
It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs.

Be very...... very afraid!!!

26 quick training courses for women

1. Silence, The Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

2. The Undiscovered Side Of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Combating The Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Don't Need New Shoes
Everyday

4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After The Game.

6. Bathroom Etiquette 1: Men Need Space In The Bathroom Cabinet Too

7. Bathroom Etiquette 2: His Razor Is His

8. Communication Skills 1: Tears - The Last Resort, Not The First

9. Communication Skills 2: Thinking Before Speaking

10. Communication Skills 3: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging

11. Driving A Car Safely: A Skill You Can Acquire

12. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share

13. Telephone Skills: How To Hang Up

14. Introduction to Parking

15. Introduction to Petrol

16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space

17. Advanced Petrol: How To Take The Filler Cap Off

18. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

19. Cooking 1: Bran And Tofu Are Not For Human Consumption

20. Cooking 2: How Not To Inflict Your Diet On Other People

21. PMS: Your Problem... Not His

22. Dancing: Sober Men Don't Like To

24. Classic Clothing: Wearing Clothes You Already Have

25. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

26. Universal Remote Controls (Handle All devices in one): For Men Only!

10 Reasons why Greeks could not be responsible for Sept. 11

10. 8:45am is too early for them to be up.

9. They are always late, they would have missed all 4 flights.

8. Pretty people on the plane distract them.

7. They would talk loudly and bring attention to themselves.

6. Food and drinks were on the plane.

5. They talk with their hands, they would probably have put their weapons down.

4. They would all want to fly the plane.

3. They would argue and start a fight in the plane.

2. They would have told everyone a week before doing it.

1. They would have put the Greek flag on the windshield.

Weather man VS cockroach

Someone had the idea of throwing a cockroach in the studio. The weather man came on the set and a happy acquaintance took place ;)

Very funny. Enjoy :)

Not so Merry Christmas for Santa Claus

McDonald welcome new customers with a high-5

The environment has a chance : Kangaroo farts

(As seen on metro.co.uk )

According to scientists, the environment has another chance with kangaroo's gas emitions.

Studies show that their farts are fighting global warming.

Thanks to a special bacteria in their stomachs, kangaroos do not emit harmful methane gas when they let off a stinker.

Australian scientists are now planning to transfer that bacteria into cows and sheep to make their flatulence eco-friendly.

Save that baby!

Best commercial advertisment award goes to Wilkinson

Absolutely amazing video. So funny. I 've never seen something like that in my life!
Congrats Wilkinson
The video is called : fight for kisses!

Web spot worth visiting

Hi all.
A suggestion to take a look at a very nice webspot:

Very funny and creative.

Office remodelled

Lot of work lately... not much time left for bathroom..

Well, say hello to my new office.... it was lately remodelled and redecorated with state of the art gadgets and devices...






PS: Does the word : hemoroids means anything to you??

Divorced Barbie doll takes all

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.

He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager:
-"How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied:
-"Which one do you like? We have

• "Barbie goes to the gym" for $19.95,


• "Barbie goes to the Ball" for $19.95,


• "Barbie goes shopping" for $19.95,


• "Barbie goes to the beach" for $19.95,


• "Barbie goes to the Nightclub" for $19.95 and


• "Divorced Barbie" for $375.00 ....

- "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?",
the father interrupted...

The store manager replied:
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat, Ken's furniture and all of Ken's savings."

Seriously strange questions

1. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

2. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

3. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?

4. Can you cry under water?

5. Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sitaround all day?

6. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?

7. Do fish ever get thirsty?

8. Can you get cornered in a round room?

9. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?

10. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oilis made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

11. What should one call a male ladybird?

12. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot?

13. Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes u can)

14. Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

15. If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be ! Able to hear it?

16. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

17. Why is it called a TV set when theres only one?

18. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?

19. If drink & drive is not allowed why the hell they have parking in Bars?

Best waterpark with the coolest waterpark prank ever

This video is hillarious. It's guaranteed "laugh burst"!

Naked lady gone wild

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!

Just found a penguin to poke

Funniest, most amazing little penguin to play with :)
Courtesy of http://www2.gamesville.lycos.com

Americal Idol - Wrong Door edition

American idol - Something smelly is going on

American Idol best moments - Simon Cowell splashes

Simon gets splashed by contestant


and here the splashes continue with an attempt from Ryan

George Bush - true human beatboxing artist

Amazing live performance by the G-Bush unit.

e-Laughs labs - testing our jokes before publishing

Here at e-LauGhs :-) labs, we test each and every one of the jokes or funny videos before we post them in order to make sure that the outcome will be certified funny stuff. We are testing our jokes on humans of all ages. As a proof of our strong efforts, we have videotaped the reaction of one of our millions of fans while he listens to our famous *PinG* / *Blogne* joke.



And here, we test on multiple targets our famous *donald duck* joke.




Finally, here is from the adults department. We test our videos :)



Warning : No targets where harmed during the testing. (Obviously)

Karate Kid Video - Best advertisment

When i first saw that video - it was 6 years ago - i literally choked myself to death, laughing. This is one of the best most awarded video advertisment around and you can see foryourselves why.
Enjoy :)

The project manager, the software engineer, the hardware engineer and the genie

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project.

About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, butsince there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The hardware engineer went first.
- "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me."
The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next.
- "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me."
The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn.
-"And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

- "I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager!

This cat is snoring

Cutest cat around spotted! Video captured one of the cat's nap moments.
Turn on the volume to hear her snore!!

Driver licence - polish style

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test

The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
- 'Can you read this?' the optician asked..
- 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy!'

Headache migraine symptoms

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you. I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $ 36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS!

Candid Camera Classics

Boemerang: The story of Erik Hartman and how his show ended

The story of Erik Hartman and how his career ended during a show. Watch the video and you will understand the reason he got fired from the t.v. network that hosted the show "Boemerang".
I think of this as one of the greatest live t.v. laughs ever recorded on camera.

All yours :)

Attack of the blondes

I did the mistake and watched this video during lunch and i almost choked while having a glass of water. I knew there were blond men out there, i've written about them in the past but in a more fictional way.

Ladies and gentlemen, i present you : Blond men, the video.

Enjoy :-)

Dancing web page

Hey, are you drunk or what?

Before you answer just select/copy/paste the following piece of javascript, on your browser's address bar, press ENTER and then ask yourselves again!

javascript:R=0; x1=.1; y1=.05; x2=.25; y2=.24; x3=1.6; y3=.24; x4=300; y4=200; x5=300; y5=200; DI=document.images; DIL=DI.length; function A(){for(i=0; i-DIL; i++){DIS=DI[ i ].style; DIS.position='absolute'; DIS.left=Math.sin(R*x1+i*x2+x3)*x4+x5; DIS.top=Math.cos(R*y1+i*y2+y3)*y4+y5}R++}setInterval('A()',5); void(0);

Fat kid getting scared

Watch the car closely and you'll laugh with that fat kid.
I am sure you will recognise it afterwards :-)
Requires sound!

Disclaimer: Not for the fainthearted. You have been warned!

Mentos and Diet Coke experiment from the founders - How to make a fountain

That's another "digg it" video. A must-see from the founders of the Mentos-Diet Coke effect. After this invention, the internet has changed dramatically.

Moms, Bros and roommates... watch out! There's a camera and a bottle of diet coke for you ;-)

Amazing skater plays music while slaloming

This is amazing. You have never seen something like this before! This guy does a slalom , while slightly passing nearby the road bottles, music is produced.
Well you have to take a look at it!

How to make a prank bomb

Very funny prank using one piece of Mentos and a bottle of Coke. Enjoy but be carefull; The purpose of a prank is laughing not embarrasing or hurting in any way!

Yoga flexibility

A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga.

She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.

Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.

"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."

You cannot mess with your Insurance Company

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.

The man sued... and won!

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested ... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms!

Funny blonde joke

There was a blonde woman who was sick of all the "dumb blonde" jokes, so she dyed her hair brunette.

Feeling better about her self she went for a drive in the country one day. She saw a shepherd and his flock near the side of the road and decided to stop and show this man how smart she was.

She asked him, "If I can tell you the exact number of sheep you have can I have a lamb?"

The shepherd said, "O.K."

She counted out 387 sheep and the shepherd agreed with the total so the woman went to picks out her lamb.

She was just about to get in the car when the shepherd asked, "If i can tell you the original color of your hair can I have my sheep dog back?"

Gaki no Tsukai - Do not laugh!

Now for those who don't know already about this game, it was played in Japan. The players are not supposed to laugh with what is taking place. If they laugh, they get spanked once at their bottoms.

This video is a part of the whole series found here:
http://donotlaugh-highschool.blogspot.com

and will crack you up!

If you wish to see this video clip with english subs, you can click here



Laughing is guaranteed here!

Turtle on steroids

Prank : My girlfriend is a stripper?

...and here is proof!

Microsoft on-line tech support service

Somebody once got an especially helpful reply to a question he asked on Microsoft's on-line tech support service. He wrote back to thank them for a complete and concise reply, and said how much he appreciated it.

The next day he had a response:

"We are looking into the problem and will contact you with a solution as soon as possible."

Hot Tip

Now your blog can make you money.
Subscribe to Google Adsense, embed the script source and make money from you blog posts.

Click for more

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

Actual newspaper headlines found in the daily press.

• Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says
• Iraqi head seeks arms
• Stud tires out
• Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over
• Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
• British left waffles on Falkland Islands
• Eye drops off shelf
• Teacher strikes idle kids
• Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead
• Squad helps dog bite victim
• Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66
• Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
• Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
• Miners refuse to work after death
• Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
• Stolen painting found by tree
• Two soviet ships collide, one dies
• 2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
• Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
• Never withhold herpes infection from loved one
• Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84
• War dims hope for peace
• If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
• Cold wave linked to temperatures

Henry Ford VS Von Neumann

Henry Ford had ordered a dynamo for one of his plants. The dynamo didn't work, and not even the manufacturers could figure out why. A Ford employee told his boss that Von Neumann was "the smartest man in America," so Ford called Von Neumann and asked him to come out and take a look at the dynamo.

Von Neumann came, looked at the schematics, walked around the dynamo,
then took out a pencil.
He marked a line on the outside casing and said, "If you'll go in an cut the coil here, the dynamo will work fine."

They cut the coil, and the dynamo did work fine.

Ford then told Von Neumann to send him a bill for the work. Von Neumann sent Ford a bill for $5,000.
Ford was astounded -- $5,000 was a lot in the 1950s -- and asked Von Neumann for an itemized account.

Here's what he submitted:

Drawing a line with the pencil: $ 1
Knowing where to draw the line with the pencil: $4,999

Ford paid the bill.

Chinese fortune cookie gone wrong way

Crocodile dundee away on vacation

Dear neighbour,

i will be off for the weekend and i was wondering if you could do me a favour and feed "spot" while i'm away. I left food in my fridge. Don't worry 'bout cooking. Spot likes his meat raw.

Thanks

Your neighbour,
John "Dundee" Smith

Newest software update for the well known office suite.

This notification was received by email. Hurry up and download now ;p

Magic trick with cards never seen before!

Gorilla prank at the zoo

When i saw this funny video, i laughed my lol out!!
Thought i should share. Enjoy :-)

No game kid

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

- "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left."
- "None", replied Johnny, "'cause the rest would fly away".
- "Well the answer is four", said the teacher, "but I like the way you are thinking".

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?"
- "Well..." said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
- "No", said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking".

Why did the chicken...errr

- Why did the Gum cross the road??
- Because it was stuck to the chicken!!!

Books you will never find in a book store

You will never find these books in a book store (either used or new :-p)

- 124 Simple Exercises For the Teeth
- A Complete List Of All the Things That Are Still Pending
- A Hundred Dead People Nobody Misses
- A List Of People Who Mean Well
- A Treasury Of Poorly Understood Ideas
- Backpacking For Shut-ins
- Caring For the Seated
- Controlling Fear Without Getting Frightened
- Cooking With Heat
- Don't Throw Away Your Old Skin
- Eat, Run, Stay Fit, and Die Anyway
- Famous Bullcrap Stories
- Famous People Who Were Wiry
- Fill Your Life With Croutons
- How To Become a Grease Ball
- How To Do Everything At Once
- How To Filet a Panda
- How To Get a Tan With a Flashlight
- How To Get Back From Boston
- How To Give a King a Really Hard Time
- How To Give People Your Best Regards
- How To Give Yourself a Complete Physical Without Getting Undressed
- How To Kill a Rat With an Oboe
- How To Lease Out the Space Inside Your Nose
- How To Organize a Tupperware Gang-Bang
- How To Seem Intelligent
- How To Spoil Other People's Fun
- How To Spot a Creep From a Distance
- How To Spot Truly Vicious People in Church
- How To Start a Range War
- How To Turn Unbearable Pain Into Extra Income
- How To Wave Good-bye Without Moving Your Arms
- I Gave Up Hope and Died and It Worked
- I Suck You Suck
- Let's Change the Alphabet
- Marriage For One
- My Dog Is a Real Fruit
- Peace Of Mind By Losing Complete Control For Sixteen Hours a Day
- Poems For the Insane
- Re-organizing Your Pockets
- Rid Yourself Of Doubt--Or Should You?
- Self Mutilation as an attention getter
- Six Cities No One Has Ever Been To
- Six Ways To "do" it before breakfast
- Sixty-four Good Reasons For Giving Up Hope
- Sport Fishing With Power Saws
- Ten Things We Don't Know Yet
- The Complete List Of Everyone's Personal Affects
- The Food Coloring Diet
- The Intravenous Cookbook
- The Meaning Of Corn
- The Stains In Your Shorts Can Indicate Your Future
- The Wrong Underwear Can Kill
- There's Big Money In Staying Put
- Things No One Can Help
- Tremble Your Way To Fitness
- Trotting Across Zaire
- Understanding People You'll Never Meet
- What To Wear On the Toilet
- Why Hawaii and Norway Are Not Near Each Other
- Why It Doesn't Snow Anymore
- Why Jews Point
- You Give Me Six Weeks and I'll Give You Some Disease
- Your old Shoes Are Worth Money
- Your Thighs Control Your Life

Pilot joke : The two rules of flight

(This was an intercepted conversation between two pilots : a rookie and a senior pilot while trying to catch up with my Las Vegas - Nevada flight)


Rule #1 : Captain is always right.

Rule #2 : If Captain is wrong ... see Rule #1

Sleezy day dream : Sex and The GirL

I met this beautiful girl last night.

She invited me back to her place and we had the greatest steamiest sex ever.

Actually, it wasn't really the *greatest* sex ever,
it was more like medium-great sex, and well, she didn't exactly invite me back to her place, I sort of followed her home to her apartment.

To be factual, we didn't actually have sex per se, but we came very close.
You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely...
well, actually, I was fondling her, she wasn't fondling me...
well, really, I wasn't actually *fondling* her,
our bodies just got very close together.

To be honest, I just sort of brushed into her.

Accidentally.

But it was great, really hot and sensual you know?

Actually, to be specific, it wasn't really her that I brushed into,
it was actually the back of the chair she was sitting in.

Although, the chair was...
on the other side of a wall you see...in another room sort of.
And I was sort of leaning on the wall,
but the chair was very close to the wall, very close.
Of course, she was on the third floor and I was sort of...on the street...leaning against the building.

But wow!

What a night!

What a night!!!

Famous Last Words

- "Oh my God!"
- "Jesus Christ!"
- "I know Bob said it looks like real dynamite."
- "Of course it's sturdy."
- "The pin was in there seven seconds ago." (note: grenades go off after eight seconds)
- "What truck?"
- "What could go wrong?"
- "Oops..."
- "I think I turned it off."
- "I'm bwot dwunk."
- "What does this button do?"
- "Do you smell smoke?"
- "Aaaaiieeeeeeee!!!"
- "Auggh!"
- "Oh sh-"
- "Don't worry. It's not loaded."
- "All right, sir, I won't tell you the building is on fire."
- "It's perfectly safe."
- "Welcome [hic] aboard. This is [hic] your, um, captain. [hic]"
- "We'll be fine."
- "I've done this opperation twice already!"
- "Why, the next time I see that axe murderer...."
- "Whoops, I dropped my wallet on the trackes..."
- "Where's my parachute?"
- "No! Not THAT button!"
- "Daddy, what happens if my foot is stuck in the escalator?"
- "I can't swim!"
- "I have complete confidence that Joe can stop them... Oh, hi Joe."
- "Where's my pet tarantula?"
- "What are you going to do, kill me?"
- "I' ll dive anyway. A couple of cookies just a few minutes ago won't harm"
- "Cover me!"
- "Cut the green wire!"
- "Wow, honey... Are you fat or what?!"
- "Ah... ooooh.... aaaahhh.. oohhhhhhh.. Bett.. errr Susan"
- "Nice doggie"
- "Don't worry; The ice is thick enough"
- "Is that snake poisonous?"
- "I wonder if i can speed up to 160 mph"
- "Hmmm... best before 31/12/1980..."
- "Relax... I've done this before."
- "...feels better now.."
- "...i'll volunteer for that circus lion trick"
- "3, 2, 1, bungeeeeeeeeee...."
- "what a beautiful baby bear.. i wonder where it's mother is.."
- "Watch this..."
- "What's that priest doing here?"
- "Of course it's a bulletproof vest. Just shoot me and you see for yourself"
- "Looks good to me..."
- "You won't get me alive"
- "You wouldn't dare!"
- "I have read that this tribe stopped being cannibals a few decades ago"
- "Don't worry... that needle was sterilized"
- "What's this thorn on the back of that strange fish?"
Latest additions :
"That meal - there wasn't by any chance peanuts in it were there?"
(submitted by my e-Friend Thought 4 the Day)

Desperate housewives

The housewife answered the phone and listened with relief to the voice in her ear. "How are you, dear? What kind of day are you having?"

"Oh, mom, the baby won't eat, the washing machine is broke, i've not been able to get out of the house to shop, i twisted my ankle and have been hobbling around. On top of that, the house is a mess and we're supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight."

"Now dear, just stay calm. Sit down, relax, close your eyes, and I'll be over in 1/2 hour. I'll do the shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll take care of the baby when I get there and call a repairman I know who'll get the washing machine fixed. In fact, I'll call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George? Who's George?"

"Why, that's your husband, dear."

"Mom, I don't have a husband."

"Is this XXX-XXX-XXXXX?"

"Uh, no, it's not. I think you have a wrong number."
The housewife paused. "Uhhh, does this mean you're not coming over?"

Strange Answers to Strange Questions

Answers to frequently asked questions

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.

Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them use to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."

Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village".

There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."

The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.

Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

Until 1965, driving was done on the left-hand side on roads in Sweden. The conversion to right-hand was done on a weekday at 5pm. All traffic stopped as people switched sides. This time and day were chosen to prevent accidents where drivers would have gotten up in the morning and been too sleepy to realize that *this* was the day of the changeover.

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

Dr. Seuss pronounced "Seuss" such that it rhymed with "rejoice."

In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again, Sam."

Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson."

More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.

The term, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye" is from Ancient Rome. The only rule during wrestling matches was, "No eye gouging." Everything else was allowed, but the only way to be disqualified was to poke someone's eye out.

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds!

At the beer fest in Amsterdam, the Netherlands

There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands...

At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, the president of Miller orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors and the list goes on...

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

Troubleshooting beer belly from different beer brewing

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

Funny Video full of splashes

This was very funny.

Check it out


Oooppss! - Watch more amazing videos here

Smartest dog ever seen

Smart Dog - More amazing video clips are a click away

Funny Jokes and laughs

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Latest addtions:
The student with a philosophy degree asks, "Where am I going?" - because he's a taxi driver.
(submitted by my e-Friend Thought 4 the Day)

Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea):
For best results: Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron.
For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roofrack.

A man walks into an auto parts store and says
- "I'd like a rear view mirror for my Yugo."
The man behind the counter thinks about this for a while, then says,
- "Yup, seems like a fair trade to me."

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.
The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.
The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.
The mathematician thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.

Latest additions:
An Eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks down and he is
forced to call out the Alaskan AA. The Eskimo stands in the howling wind
and waits for the mechanic to arrive. When the mechanic reaches the
broken car, he sets to work, looking under the bonnet until he appears
to have located the problem. He looks up at the Eskimo and says, "You've
blown a seal, mate." To which the Eskimo hastily replies, "No, I
haven't. That's just frost on my moustache."
(submitted by a passerby )

The blonde lady and the 710

Just few days ago i was at the gas station, when a blonde woman drove in and asked for a "710".
All guys present there looked at each other puzzled. Someone couldn't stand the embarrassment and asked : "What's a 710, lady??"
The woman answered "Come on, you know... the one that is located near the middle of the engine. I must have lost the previous one and i need a new one a.s.a.p."
"What is this 710 for? What is it's use?" some other guy asked..
"Well guys... i don't know exactly it's use but i have noticed that it is mostly located in the middle of the engine" the woman answered.
Everybody was so puzzled. Noone could understand what she was talking about. We all felt so awkward since men mostly, are familiar with the inner parts of a car's engine.
The guy at the gas station had no other choice than to give her a pen and a paper and asked her to draw that piece of equipment.
The lady started drawing a circle about 6cm diameter and then she wrote "710" at the center of that circle.
When we looked at the paper it finally made sense :

Arab sex bomb

A beautiful girl is approached in a bar by a dark Arab exotic looking guy, they start talking and eventually the guy asks:

- "Would you like to go back to my room?"

- "Are you SERIOUS?" ...answers the girl with anger

- "No, I'm PALESTINIOUS!"

US Air Force pilots vs maintenance crews

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews:

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Water found on Mars

Amazing discovery. This is what the hubble telescope showed on the surface of Mars!

Sex in the office - a couple caught in action

This sex scene was caught by the closed circuit cameras in the office of a building that we cannot reveal.

The picture is now posted in public for you to see.

Get your Ex back with a cool joke

A Guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says :
"I bet $500 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play".

The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar.

The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus's owner pockets the 500 bucks.

Next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks its lips and starts playing a jazz solo.

The guy hands over another 500 bucks to the octopus's owner.

The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back a few
moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and say's to the guy and his octopus :
"now if your octopus can play that I'll give you a 1000 dollars".

The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus's owner comes up and says :
"What are you pissing around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing !"
The octopus says "Play it? If I can work out how to get it's pyjama's off i'm gonna ''sleep'' with it!!"

Bathroom remodeling never seen before

Now, who wants to use the bathroom?

Beware of the chocolate peanuts

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
- "Mind if I have a few" he asks.
-"No, not at all" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes
that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
-"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few."
- "Oh thats all right" the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them!"

Outer space zero gravity authors

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronauticsand Space Administration (N.A.S.A.) decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

The I files (or the definition of luck)

The Insurance Files

This is an actual report that was turned in by a brick mason after an injury.
This is what he said to his employer:


When I got to the building, I found that the hurricane had knocked off some bricks from the top.
So - I rigged up a beam with a pulley at the top of the building, and I hoisted up a couple of barrels full of bricks.
When I had fixed the damaged area, there were a lot of bricks left over. Then I went to the bottom and began releasing the line.
Unfortunately - the barrel of bricks was heavier than I was and before I knew what was happening the barrel started coming down, jerking me up and I decided to hang on since I was too far off the ground by then to jump.
Half way up, I met the barrel of bricks coming down - FAST.
I received a hard blow on my shoulder.
I then continued to the top, banging my head against the beam and getting my finger pinched and jammed in the pulley.
When the barrel hit the ground - HARD- it burst its bottom, allowing the bricks to spill out.
I was now heavier than the barrel.
SO - I started dawn again at a high speed!
Half way down, I met the empty barrel coming up - FAST.
I received severe injuries to my shins.
When I hit the ground, I landed on the pile of spilled bricks, getting several painful cuts and deep bruises.
At this point I must have lost my presence of mind because, I let go of the line.
The barrel came down - FAST - giving me another blow on my head, putting me in the hospital.

I respectfully request sick leave.

Is it a typo in Google startup page?

Google's startup search page has an image specifically design for today's valentine day but if you watch a bit closer it seems like they've forgotten the L letter from the word Google.

What do you think? Click here to see Google's startup page

PS : Yes dear friend Anonymous, Google is not stupid at all. Sorry Google :-)
You will indead find the answer to Googe here

Could you do me a favour?

Will you water my flower pots while i ' m gone?

3 engineers and a broken car

This joke was sent to us by Tigre Marino

3 engineers travel on a desert road in a good old '76 VW Beetle. One is a mechanical engineer, the second one is an electric engineer and the last one is a computer engineer.

The VW Beetle starts making weird engine noises and stops. Then, the mechanical engineer goes back, looks at it for a couple hours and gives his veredict:

"This thing needs a complete overhaul of all friction components, plus the warpage limits of the engine heads are beyond specifications..."

The electrical engineer takes over and starts staring at the engine...after three hours he gives out his veredict:

"This thing isn't working because the voltage present on the battery is not enough, and the electromagnetic effect of the generator is too low for the car to run correctly..."

The computer engineer stares at the engine bay for 6 hours, looking under the mass of cables, hoses, until he stands up and tells his companions:
"We are doomed. I can't find the reset button on this thing!!!"

Actual statements found on insurance forms

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the detail of an accident in the fewest words possible. The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining:

• Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.


• The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.


• I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.


• I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.


• A truck backed through my windsheld into my wife's face.


• The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.


• I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.


• In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.


• I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.


• I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.


• I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.


• My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vwehicle.


• The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.


• A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.


• As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.


• I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.


• I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounded off the roof of my car.


• I told police that I was not injured but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.


• The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.


• I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.


• The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when it struck the front end.

The value of time

To realize the value of ONE YEAR
Ask a student who has failed his exam.

To realize the value of ONE MONTH
Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.

To realize the value of ONE WEEK
Ask an editor of a weekly.

To realize the value of ONE DAY
Ask a daily wage labor.

To realize the value of ONE MINUTE
Ask a person who has missed the train.

To realize the value of ONE SECOND
Ask a person who has survived an accident.

To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in Olympics.

To realize the value of ONE NANOSECOND
Ask a Hardware Engineer

..and even then if U don't realize the value of time...
you must be a Software Engineer !!!

An obsessed patient

A middle age man had an obsession with women's breasts. So he went to a psychologist and told the doctor about his problem.
- "I am going to do word-association. I am going to say a word and you will say the first thing that come to your mind," explained the doctor; "Oranges," said the doctor.
- "Breasts," replied the patient.
- "Apples."
- "Breasts."
- "Watermelons."
- "Breasts."
- "Wipers."
- "Breasts," said the patient with the same reply.
- "Wait a minute! I still can see the connetions between oranges, apples, watermelons and breasts. But automobile's wipers? Where is the connection?" asked the doctor confused.
- "Easy. One on the left and one on the right!!"

Elaughs Blog fans are unstoppable

...and that is the proof ladies and gentlemen ;-)

The brotherhood of Irishmen

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would
taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way:
He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
- "Oh, no," he says, "my brothers are both fine. I've just quit drinking."

The One ticket experiment

3 engineers and 3 accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the 3 accountants each buy tickets and watch as the 3 engineers buy only a single ticket.

- "How are 3 people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

- "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

- "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

- "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the 3 accountants cram into a restroom and the 3 engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says,
"Ticket, please."

Smart kid

Bill and Marla deceided that the only way to pull off a quickie on Sunday afternoon, avoiding disturbance from their ten-year-old son in the apartment, was to send him out on the balcony and order to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out,
"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."


Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied

Train slap

This joke was sent by the Champion Wrestler and honorable member of our
blog, Tigre Marino 4 people are on a train ride, an old lady and a
beautiful woman facing forward a dandy american and a mexican.The train
gets into a tunnel, and everything inside it goes dark.Then, a long kiss
sounds followed by a slap.The train goes out of the tunnel, and the
dandy american is rubbing his right cheek, turned red and looking in
pain.The old lady thinks for herself "this american fellow went to kiss
the woman, and she smacked him back..."The beautiful lady thinks for
herself "the american fellow tried to kiss me but the stupid kissed the
granny next to me, poor idiot, she got back by slapping him"...The dandy
american thought "this mexican went to kiss the beautiful woman, and she
got back but slapped me instead of him"The mexican thought for himself:
"here comes another tunnel, when everything goes black, I kiss my hand
again and slap the hell out of this dandy gringo....".........

Road trip

(Note: This joke was sent to us by our friend Chuck)

Leaving Minnesota for Colorado, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall...

- "Hi there, how is it going?"

Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I say:

- "Not bad..."

Then the voice says:

- "So, what are you doing?"

I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say:

- "Well, I'm going back to Colorado..."

Then I hear the person say all flustered:

- "Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."

Scientists at their best

An astronomer, biologist, an engineer and a mathematician were crossing the border into Scotland from England on a train when they saw a field with a black sheep in it.

The astronomer said, "Look! All sheep on Earth are black."

The biologist said, "Look, in Scotland the sheep are black."

The engineer replied, "No, in Scotland some of the sheep are black."

The mathematician rolled his eyes to heaven and said, very patiently, "In Scotland, there exists at least one field, in which there is at least one sheep which is black on at least one side."

Tail Tale

A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus.

The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother,
- "What's that?"
- "That's the elephant's tail," she replies.
- "No, under the tail," says the youngster.
The mother is clearly embarrassed and says,
- "Oh, nothing."
The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says,
- "That's the elephant's penis, son."
- "So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.
The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

Desperate women and lonely men

A woman is fast approaching 40 years of age and is without a partner. This situation has her rather depressed due to her long history of failed relationships. After much debate she decides that the best thing to do is to take out a personal ad in the paper:

Wanted: A good lover to be my friend; who won't beat me and won't run out on me.

After a week or so no one has responded to the ad. She is feeling particularly depressed when the door bell rings.
She opens the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the front porch. Quite surprised at the sight she asks him what he wants.

He replies, "I'm responding to your ad for a good lover."

- "How can that be? You have no arms and no legs!"

- "I have no arms so I can't beat you and I have no legs so I can't run out on you!" he said.

- "What about being a good lover?" she asked.

He responded, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

Blonde patient

A girl says to her doctor, "You have to help me. I hurt all over."

She touches her right knee with her index finger and says, "Ow! That hurts."

She touches her left cheek with her index finger and says, "Ouch! That hurts, too."

She touches her right earlobe with her index finger and says, "Ow! Even that hurts."

The doctor says, "Are you a natural blonde?"

She says, "Yes."

The doctor says, "You have a sprained finger."

The secretary

A guy's going on a business trip and he has to take his secretary with him, and she's really crazy about him. The first night on the train, she's in the top bunk and he's in the bottom bunk.

She says, "Mr. Forsythe! Mr. Forsythe! I'm chilly! I think I need a blanket!"

- He says, "Miss Schmitt, how'd you like to pretend you're Mrs. Forsythe for a little while?"

- "I'd like that, Mr. Forsythe!"

- "Then get your own damn blanket!"

20th mile

The phone rings and the husband answers the phone.

He just listens and then says "how the heck do I know... I live 20 miles from the ocean!" and he then hangs up.

His wife asks what that was all about.

He said," oh some idiot wants to know if the coast is clear."